Knightmare songs
by Drassil
Summary: Well-known lyrics reworked along a Knightmare theme. From a 'silly idea' conceived by Emii on the Knightmare Discussion Forum.
1. Fear (based on Fame)

A Dungeoneer looks into a Spyglass, and sees Lord Fear looking depressed. He says, 'Lissard, despite all the time that has passed, I don't think people are taking me seriously as a leader of the Opposition.' (A picture of Iain Duncan Smith flashes up for a split second.) 'But they really should be. Because I am a villain like no other, and I'm here to stay.' Then he sings:   
  
'Lissard, look at me   
And tell me what you see   
If you smirk then you'll wake up dead   
Give me time I'll make you forget Mog-dred   
'Cause when it's killing time   
I'm best at villain's crime   
I can crush you all in my hand   
Don't you know who I am?   
  
Remember my leer   
(FEAR!)   
I'm gonna rule forever   
I'm gonna burn, roast and fry   
(FRY!)   
I'm gonna darken the weather   
People will see me and die   
(DIE!)   
Kids, if you're aged 'round eleven   
Don't even try to come near   
(NEAR!)   
I'm gonna rule forever   
Better remember my leer   
(REMEMBER! REMEMBER! REMEMBER!)   
(REMEMBER! REMEMBER! REMEMBER!) 


	2. Treguard One More Time

A Dungeoneer has just died by being guided right instead of left (or vice versa) by a Bad Adviser. As Treguard begins to castigate the Team, the Bad Adviser turns round to him and sings...   
  
[BAD ADVISER:]  
'Oh Treguard Treguard, how was I supposed to know   
My left hand from my right, yeah   
Oh Treguard Treguard, I shouldn't have had a go   
And now we're out of Knight-mare'   
[Turns to Other Advisers]   
'Show me, if you want to know me   
Tell me'   
[OTHER ADVISERS:]  
'Maybe'   
[BAD ADVISER:]  
'I think I should go now   
Thanks a lot'   
  
[DUNGEONEER:]  
'My only friends were killing me   
(Don't cry)   
I must confess   
I still believe   
(Still believe)   
Without bad ad-vice I'd be less blind   
[To Advisers]   
Give him a si-i-ign'   
[The Other Advisers stick a sign to the Bad Adviser pointing out his Left and his Right. They all smile forgivingly at each other.]   
[ADVISERS AND DUNGEONEER:]  
'Help me Treguard one more time!'   
[Treguard shakes his head.] 


	3. No Vision (based on One Vision)

It's Series 4, and Treguard is about to put the Helm of Justice onto a Dungeoneer. Now this Dungeoneer has been getting cold feet, maybe because he senses that with its various innovations, Series 4 is not quite the Knightmare he dreamed of going on, so to speak. Treguard gives the Dungeoneer one last chance to turn down the Helm; but the Dungeoneer says 'No. We're gonna do this. Put it on. Blind me. Give me... no vision.' Then he sings:   
  
'One man, one Helm... no vision   
One heart, one sack... just one decision   
One bash, no flight... yeah, one quest no vision   
  
One path one game   
On television   
Four friends one hope   
One steadfast mission   
Wowowowowowo gimme no vision   
  
Step left, turn right   
You're gonna see us take the bark and the bite   
Fake blood, real pain   
All I need is no forward vision   
  
One path one game   
On television   
Four friends one hope   
One steadfast mission   
Wowowowowowo gimme no vision   
  
I had a dream   
When I was young   
A dream of matte illusions   
A quest of hope and unity   
And visions of our reunion   
Then an eye shield's spied   
And they film outside   
And in my heart I cried   
Look what they've done to my dream   
  
[The Dungeoneer grabs a staff from the corner of the anteroom, and dares to cavort a la Freddie on stage with a microphone stand. By this time, the three Advisers are imitating the other members of Queen - a bit like the video for The Miracle, but even more laughable. ]   
  
So give me one wall   
Give me two clues   
I'm ready   
There's only one direction   
One well, some wishin'   
(All we need is) no no no vision   
  
All risk, some fright   
And excitation   
We will be knights   
Then a celebration   
Wowo wo wo yeah   
  
No no no no no no no...   
  
[Instrumental]   
  
One path one game   
On television   
Four friends one hope   
One steadfast mission   
  
Gimme one cart   
Gimme two doors   
Just gimme   
One elf one maid   
Three beards one spell   
Today hey hey   
Just gimme gimme gimme gimme   
Fried goblin' 


	4. Genie From A Bottle

Treguard has just unleashed Majida from her bottle. He looks patently unimpressed; and he is in good company in doing so. His eyes widen in shock as Majida begins to gyrate, to groan, to sing:   
  
'I feel like I've been on the dole   
For a century of tasteless dress   
Waiting for someone   
To employ me   
You're pursing your lips   
And throwing hisses my way   
But that don't mean   
I'm gonna hotfoot away   
Tregy Tregy Tregy'   
[Treguard upturns the Helm Of Justice in case of need]   
  
'Oh-ooh-oh-ooh-oh   
The Dungeoneer's here let's go   
Oh-ooh-oh-ooh-oh   
But your face is saying no   
  
If you wanna watch TV   
Baby there's a price to pay   
I'm a genie from a bottle   
Gonna rub you up the wrong way   
If you wanna work with me   
I can make Knightmares come true   
Gonna make a bad impression   
Gonna criticise you   
  
I'm a genie from a bottle baby   
Gonna rub you up the wrong way honey   
I'm a genie from a bottle baby'   
[TREGUARD:]   
'Um, um, someone please get her out'   
  
[MAJIDA:]   
'Having adventures with the lights down low   
Knapsack, Shield, Helm and away you go   
Waiting for someone   
To heed me   
Goblins racing at the speed of light'   
[TREGUARD:]   
'Tim, please, I want her out before tonight'   
[MAJIDA:]   
'Tregy, Tregy Tregy   
  
Oh-ooh-oh-ooh-oh   
There's no more Pickle let's go   
Oh-ooh-oh-oooh-oh   
But your face is saying no (no)   
  
If you wanna watch TV   
Baby there's a price to pay   
I'm a genie from a bottle   
Gonna rub you up the wrong way   
If you wanna work with me   
I can make Knightmares come true   
[Sound of paper rustling as Treguard feverishly checks his contract scroll]   
Gonna make a bad impression   
Gonna criticise you' 


	5. Do You Really Want To Hunt Me?

It's Series 3, and Dungeoneer Julie is cornered by goblins. She didn't earn any goblin magic from Merlin; the Team is in profound trouble. All Julie has is a green gemstone. One of her advisers says something to her along the lines of: 'Say hello to the goblins, Julie and ask them if they'd like a present. Better yet, sing! Sing your heart out!' And she does:   
  
Give me ti-ime   
Tooo hear the bell chime   
Let me love its peal   
I can't prance   
Away from you guys   
I wish this weren't real   
  
Do you really want to hunt me?   
Do you really want to make me die?   
Here's a gem so you don't thump me   
Dungeoneers must ask you why   
In my heart I know it's over   
Came from Leicester, to be stars   
But the schoolkids they will tease me   
'Sidestep left, Jewel-ie!' - ha-ha   
  
Do you really want to hunt me?   
Do you really want to make me die?   
Do you really want to hunt me?   
Do you really want to make me die?   
  
Words are few I have spoken   
Though I've faced a thousand fears   
I've not lost yet - hey, stop pokin'   
Save me from the classroom jeers   
You're attacking but believe me   
Green's your colour, don't you know   
You guys hate without a reason   
Not prepared to let me go   
  
If it's flesh you want from me   
Then take it away   
Everyone is not so tasty   
It's over in pain   
  
Do you really want to hunt me?   
Do you really want to make me die?   
Do you really want to hunt me?   
Do you really want to make me die?   
  
...Chorus repeats until Treguard's farewell speech. 


	6. The Wizard In Red

[A woman - I don't know who - is in love with Hordriss and wants to be with him. She has seen a side to him that we never see.]  
  
I've never seen you looking so lofty as you did tonight  
I've never seen you less uptight  
I've never seen so many kids ask you if you'd give them a spell  
They're looking for a snowball in hell  
Hopes lost down the well  
And I've never seen that stress you're bearing  
Or the highlights in your hair  
That match your gown  
Without a frown  
  
The wizard in red  
Is prancing with glee  
So to speak  
There's nobody here  
It's just you and me  
Somewhere on Level Three  
But I hardly know  
This mage with whom I hide  
I'll never regret  
The things we'll do tonight  
  
[At the same time, she has to tell another gentleman that she is not interested in him.]  
  
I've never seen you looking so scary as you did tonight  
I've never seen your skin so white  
You're worth erasing  
I've seen so many children falling prey to infanticide  
And when you turned to me and smiled it took my lunch away  
And I have never found you less appealing  
With a feeling of complete and utter fright, as I do tonight  
  
I hate Mogdred  
He's glancing at me  
I feel weak  
Don't want to be here  
It's Hordriss you see  
With whom I wanna be  
But I hardly know  
This villain by my side  
I'll never forget  
How charmlessly he tried  
  
[So she goes back to Hordriss.]  
  
I never will regret  
The things we'll do tonight  
The wizard in red  
More fun than Mogdred  
I love you 


	7. Blue ChromAKey (based on Blue Da Ba Dee)

A Dungeoneer enters the school playground, fresh from his appearance on Knightmare, and is bombarded by eager questions. When he starts to get some rather misguided ones, he reveals to the stunned masses the secret of Knightmare - blue screen technology:   
  
'Yo listen up, here's a story  
About a little guy that walked through a blue world  
And all day on Knightmare everything he sees  
Is just blue, like him, inside and outside  
Blue his quest, with a blue little clue room  
And a blue causeway  
And everything is blue for him  
And himself and all the crew standing round  
Because he's got advisers who listen  
  
It's blue chrom-a-key  
Live or die it's chrom-a-key  
Dragons fly by chrom-a-key  
It's no lie  
It's blue though you can't see  
Blades race by by chrom-a-key  
When doors cry it's chrom-a-key  
Live or die  
  
I have a blue quest with a blue portal  
Blue is the colour that I mustn't wear  
Blue are the floors and all the walls are too  
On every level, One Two Three it's blue  
Blue is the magic here that flies around  
Blue like the causeway, it's in and outside  
Blue are the notes we make and what we think  
Blue is the Dungeon, that lives inside me  
  
It's blue chrom-a-key  
Live or die it's chrom-a-key  
Dragons fly by chrom-a-key  
It's no lie  
It's blue though you can't see  
Blades race by by chrom-a-key  
When doors cry it's chrom-a-key  
Live or die...'  
  
And so on. 


	8. Ah Wok's Cherryade

Here comes a parody of a famous lemonade advert:   
  
  
  
Friday at 4:40. In Treguard's antechamber, a Chinese market trader has set up his stall, and included among his wares is a bottle of cherryade. Treguard comes down a staircase leading into the antechamber, wearing striped pyjamas. He sings:   
  
  
  
'I'm a secret marketplace user   
  
(Ah-Wok, Ah-Wok)   
  
I've been trying to give it up   
  
But it's almost 5 o'clock   
  
(Ah-Wok, Ah-Wok)   
  
Ah-Wok's cherryade   
  
I'm a secret marketplace user   
  
(Ah-Wok, Ah-Wok, Ah-Wok...)'   
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere completely different, another market trader is being asked to dance:   
  
  
  
'Scaramonger, Scaramonger, will you do the fandango?' 


	9. Lord Fear Is Coming To Town

'You'd better not laugh   
  
You'd better not spy   
  
You'd better not shout   
  
I'm tellin' you why   
  
Lord Fear is coming to town   
  
Lord Fear is coming to town   
  
Lord Fear is coming   
  
To town   
  
  
  
He sees you when you're questing   
  
He knows your courage is fake   
  
He knows when you're in Dunkley Wood   
  
So you'd better be good for Treguard's sake...' 


	10. Do They Know It's Quest Mess?

a charity song by the Knightmare cast, for the starving wall monsters of Series 3, who never got any dungeoneers to eat. The song is a hope that, when a dungeoneer messes up their quest, at that time they will be fed to the walls. (Sorry, Sir Geldof!)   
  
  
  
(Motley)   
  
It's quest mess time   
  
There's a need to be afraid   
  
At quest mess time   
  
We're punished for mistakes we made   
  
(Mogdred)   
  
And in our Dungeon nightmare   
  
We can't spread a smile of joy   
  
Throw your arms up in the air   
  
At quest mess time   
  
  
  
(Mrs. Grimwold)   
  
But say a prayer   
  
Pray for the other walls   
  
At quest mess time it's hard   
  
(Hordriss)   
  
But when you're having food   
  
There's a wall inside the Dungeon   
  
(Merlin) And it's a wall of dread and fear   
  
Where the only water flowing is   
  
(Treguard joins in)   
  
The sweat of dungeoneers   
  
And the time-out bells that are ringing   
  
Are clanging chimes of doom   
  
(Treguard only) Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you.   
  
  
  
  
  
(Everyone)   
  
And there won't be food for Brangwen She this quest mess time.   
  
The greatest gift she'll get this year is graffiti   
  
Where nothing ever grows   
  
No human-flesh-to-go   
  
Do they know it's quest mess time at all?   
  
  
  
Feed the walls   
  
Let them know it's quest mess time   
  
Feed the walls   
  
Do they know it's quest mess time at all?   
  
  
  
(Motley)   
  
Here's to you   
  
raise a Helm for everyone   
  
Here's to them   
  
Starving up on Level One   
  
Do they know it's quest mess time at all?   
  
  
  
(Everyone)   
  
Feed the walls   
  
Feed the walls   
  
Feed the walls   
  
Let them know it's quest mess time again   
  
  
  
Feed the walls   
  
Let them know it's quest mess time again   
  
Feed the walls   
  
Let them know it's quest mess time again   
  
  
  
Repeat 


	11. Another Face On The Wall

A Series 3 dungeoneer has got two of the Brangwen She's questions wrong, and before he leaves, the wall monster insists upon educating the Team, Treguard, the Watchers, everyone. Now Treguard just won't stand for this interruption to the quest, and he bursts into song:   
  
  
  
We don't need no education   
  
We don't need no thought control   
  
No dark sarcasm in the Clue Room   
  
Brangwen leave those kids alone   
  
  
  
Hey! Brangwen! Leave those kids alone!   
  
All in all it's just a-nother face on the wall   
  
All in all you're just a-nother face on the wall   
  
  
  
[Repeat, with the Team singing] 


	12. I Want The Sword (based on I Want It All

I want the sword   
  
I want the shield   
  
I want the cup   
  
And I want it now   
  
I want the crown   
  
I want the Maid   
  
I want it all   
  
And I want it now   
  
  
  
Adventure seeker   
  
In an empty room   
  
Just a dungeon creeper   
  
Fending off doom   
  
A young searcher questing   
  
With much time for doubt   
  
With a large just Helm on   
  
Can't see a way out   
  
  
  
Ain't much I'm asking   
  
I heard him say   
  
Gotta find me a Clue Room   
  
And then a wellway   
  
  
  
I want the sword   
  
I want the shield   
  
I want the cup   
  
And I want it now   
  
I want the crown   
  
I want the Maid   
  
I want it all   
  
And I want it now   
  
  
  
Listen you advisers   
  
Come gather round   
  
We gotta get us a gameplan   
  
Gotta dodge holes in the ground   
  
Just give me tips but do not whine   
  
Hey guys do you hear me   
  
Just feed me my lines   
  
  
  
Ain't much I'm asking   
  
If you want the truth   
  
So here's to Knighmare   
  
For the dreams of youth   
  
  
  
I want the sword   
  
I want the shield   
  
I want the cup   
  
And I want it now   
  
I want the crown   
  
I want the Maid   
  
I want it all   
  
And I want it now   
  
  
  
I'm a child on an old elf path   
  
Might just cry before I laugh   
  
I'm a boy for compromise and 'Where am I's and getting the prize   
  
So I'm living it all (yes I'm living it all)   
  
And I'm giving it all (and I'm giving it all)   
  
Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah   
  
I want the sword, shield, cup, crown   
  
  
  
Ain't much I'm asking   
  
If you want the truth   
  
So here's to Knighmare   
  
Hear the cry of youth   
  
  
  
I want the sword   
  
I want the shield   
  
I want the cup   
  
And I want it now   
  
I want the crown   
  
I want the Maid   
  
I want it all   
  
And I want it now   
  
  
  
I want it, Now, I want it, I want it 


	13. Last Quest Time (based on Last Christmas

Last quest time  
  
I gave you my helm  
  
But the very next day  
  
You failed a causeway  
  
This year  
  
To help beat Lord Fear  
  
I'll give it to someone special  
  
CHORUS  
  
One pre-teen, a nice guy  
  
Three brave advisors  
  
To be your ears and eyes  
  
Tell me stranger  
  
Do you recognise me?  
  
Well, your vision's blocked  
  
It doesn't surprise me  
  
"Enter, stranger"  
  
I gave the Helm undented  
  
With a note saying "Hope you win"  
  
I meant it  
  
Now I know what a fool I've been  
  
But if you quest once more  
  
I know you'd fool me again  
  
CHORUS  
  
An anteroom  
  
Friends with tired eyes  
  
I'm casting 'DISMISS'  
  
And shan't say 'Ooh nice'  
  
My word you thought I was  
  
Merely Hugo Myatt  
  
And?  
  
I guess I was a shoulder to cry at  
  
A face on a stranger  
  
With no fire in his heart  
  
A quest which had promise  
  
But it all fell apart  
  
Now I've found a real Team  
  
You'll never fool me again  
  
CHORUS x2  
  
A face on a stranger  
  
With no fire in his heart  
  
A quest which had promise  
  
But it all fell apart  
  
Maybe next year I'll give it to someone  
  
I'll give it to someone special 


	14. I Am Eyeshield (based on I Am, I Feel)

Does anyone remember Alisha's Attic?   
  
  
  
[Treguard has annoyed a Series 4 Dungeoneer by ignoring her pre-quest nerves. She has picked up the eye shield, and he is now driving her on whilst belittling her, but she really doesn't like it.]   
  
  
  
He said: 'Dungeoneer pick that silver shield up, y'know it helps you see'   
  
He said: 'Game on, game on, press on, cheer up, look like,   
  
You're enjoying the quest'   
  
Oh and he said: 'You can't win the game   
  
Yr'another one of my fools   
  
And I'll soon be saying 'ooh nasty' now   
  
Don't stop, O, Dungeoneer, coz   
  
I ain't got no sympathy for you.'   
  
And I am, eye shield, and   
  
I wanna pull his beard off   
  
Yeah that'd be fun   
  
Coz I sure got sharp fingernails   
  
I click my heels and spellcast RETIRE   
  
He sparks a little but nothing happens   
  
And that guy Treguard's still in his chair   
  
  
  
I am, eye shield   
  
I sometimes think that you forget that   
  
I am, eye shield   
  
I got to get away from here   
  
I am, eye shield   
  
This girl's a person y'know   
  
I am, eye shield... 


	15. Grim World (based on Wild World)

Who would've guessed that Series 3 Dungeoneer Kelly was a Cat Stevens fan? The evidence: this, which she sung to Grimwold the Ogre after he ended her quest:   
  
Now that I've lost everything to you   
You say you wanna kill someone new   
And you've broken my bones by clubbing   
Baby I'm blubbing   
But if you wanna kill, take good care   
I hope you find a lot of nice flesh to tear   
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there   
  
Oh, baby, baby, you're a Grimwold   
It's hard to get by just upon a snarl   
Oh, baby, baby, you're a Grimwold   
But will you remember me as a dim girl? ... 


	16. Knightmare Mambo Number Five

[Jointly written by Knightmare Discussion Forum members Skarkill, Drassil and Emii. From an idea by Skarkill.]  
  
One, two, three levels thrive  
  
Everybody from the castle   
  
Come on let's ride   
  
To the market stall near the Greenwood   
  
The boys say they want Etruscan brandy   
  
But I don't know if I should   
  
Spellfest like I cast last week   
  
I must stay deep cos Sly's a creep   
  
I like Melli-sandre, Malice, Elita   
  
And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter   
  
So what can I do? I really beg you Treguard   
  
To me flirting is rather ill-starred   
  
Dragons may fly, it's all good at the right times   
  
Please set it in the bell chimes   
  
A Little Bit Of Majida in my Life   
  
A Little Bit Of Marta is What I Need   
  
A Little Bit Of Gwendoline By My Side   
  
A Little Bit Of Velda What I See   
  
A Little Bit Of Sidriss In The Sun   
  
A Little Bit Of Elita All Night Long   
  
A Little Bit Of Romahna Here I Am   
  
A Little Bit Of You Makes Me Your Man   
  
  
  
Knightmare Mambo Number 5!   
  
Walk up and down and turn your Shield around   
  
Shake your Helm to the sound, pick the food off the ground   
  
Take one step left and one step right   
  
One to the front and one to the side   
  
Read the scroll once and choose a clue twice   
  
And if it looks like this then you're doing it right   
  
  
  
A Little Bit Of Majida in my Life   
  
A Little Bit Of Marta is What I Need   
  
A Little Bit Of Gwendoline By My Side   
  
A Little Bit Of Velda What I See   
  
A Little Bit Of Sidriss In The Sun   
  
A Little Bit Of Elita All Night Long   
  
A Little Bit Of Romahna Here I Am   
  
A Little Bit Of You Makes Me Your Man   
  
  
  
Knightmare Mambo Number 5!   
  
Up..to..fall through   
  
Fall in love with a wench like you   
  
You can't run and you can't hide   
  
Cos Lord Fear gonna catch you in his stride...   
  
  
  
Knightmare Mambo Number 5! 


	17. It's Raining Miremen

[A short parody of Homer Simpson's favourite song:]   
  
Hey hey! I'm your Atlantean! And have I got news-nesss for you! You'd better lisssten... and leave your Helmsss at home!   
  
Temperature's risssing   
Patienccce getting low   
According to the Lord-nesss   
The Sewer'sss the placcce to go   
Cos today for the firssst time   
Jussst about 5PM   
For the firssst time on ITV   
It's gonna rain miremen   
  
It's raining miremen!   
Oh my Goth, it's miremen!   
Amen!   
I gonna go out, I'm gonna let myssself get   
Absolutely no regretsss... 


	18. The Ogre Sleeps Tonight

In the dungeon, the scary dungeon   
The ogre sleeps tonight   
Velda's shooting, and Olaf's looting   
And Motley's taken fright   
  
Oo-oooh, nasty-y-y-i-imaweh   
Oo-oooh, nasty-y-y-i-imaweh   
  
In the throne room, the spacious throne room   
The wizard sleeps tonight   
A spider's crawling, a goblin's mauling   
And Festus wants a bite   
  
Oo-oooh, nasty-y-y-i-imaweh   
Oo-oooh, nasty-y-y-i-imaweh   
  
Hush my Melly, don't turn to jelly   
The monsters sleep tonight   
Mogdred's quiet, the skulls won't riot   
Don't fear the cavernwights   
  
Oo-oooh, nasty-y-y-i-imaweh   
Oo-oooh, nasty-y-y-i-imaweh... 


	19. Don't Go Breaking My Cart

[Motley agrees to let McGrew use his Level Two minecart - on the condition that he doesn't break it...]  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
Don't go breaking my cart  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
I couldn't if I tried  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
Ah, Matey, if I get restless  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
Laddie, you are that kind  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
Don't go breaking my cart  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
I'll use it responsibly  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
Ah, Matey, when a Dungeoneer comes  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
I'll push him to Level Three  
  
[BOTH:]  
  
Ooh-hoo, and nobody knows it  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
When I was down  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
I was your clown  
  
[BOTH:]  
  
Ooh-hoo, and nobody knows it  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
Right from the start  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
I gave you my cart  
  
[BOTH:]  
  
Ooh-hoo.. I gave you my cart  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
So don't go breaking my cart  
  
[McGREW:]  
  
I won't go breaking your cart  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
Don't go breaking my cart... 


	20. Motley (based on Kitty by Racey)

A Dungeoneer's appeal to a certain jester, to carry on helping out with quests, without telling so many bad jokes:   
  
  
  
Oh Motley, you're so fine   
  
But your jokes don't blow my mind, hey Motley! Hey Motley   
  
Oh Motley, you're so fine   
  
But your jokes don't blow my mind, hey Motley! Hey Motley   
  
Oh Motley, you're so fine   
  
But your jokes don't blow my mind, hey Motley!   
  
  
  
(Hey Motley!)   
  
You've been around for years and that's a little long   
  
You think you'd beat Lord Fear but I think you've got it wrong   
  
Why can't you stop your cheer? So I can leave the room, Motley   
  
Cause when you joke and jest, it's never very good   
  
You're helpin' with a quest, help me please if you would   
  
But give the jokes a rest, leave them all alone, Motley   
  
  
  
Oh Motley, you're so potty, you don't understand   
  
You help me into carts but the smut gets out of hand   
  
Oh Motley, you're so dotty, can't you understand   
  
It's guys like you, Motley   
  
Ooh what you do Motley, do Motley   
  
Don't tell a joke, Motley… 


	21. The Grimwolds (based on The Flintstones)

Grimwolds, meet the Grimwolds   
  
They're a modern dungeon family   
  
From the realm of Knightmare   
  
It's a show on Children's ITV   
  
Someday, maybe Grim will win the fight   
  
Then the dog will stay out for the night   
  
When you're with the Grimwolds   
  
Have a nasty-asty-ooh time   
  
A nasty-ooh time   
  
You'll have a grim old time   
  
[Grimwold stands in front a locked door screaming the only name he knows: 'Veeldaaa!!']   
  
You'll have a Grim-wold time! 


	22. 69 Dungeoneers (based on 99 Red Balloons

You and I in a little tuck shop  
Fill out application forms with the biros we've got  
Send them off at the break of dawn  
'Til one by one, they were gone  
Back at home, replies are there  
With the message, 'You're on Knightmare'  
Boarding trains we wave goodbye  
69 dungeoneers go by  
  
69 dungeoneers  
Walking into Level One  
Goblin horns, it's red alert  
There's something here from somewhere else  
The Opposition springs to life  
Opens up one evil eye  
With a spyglass we can pry  
When 69 dungeoneers go by  
  
On a Mount in his retreat  
Lord Fear and his minions meet  
To tarry, harry, super-parry  
Call the troops out after Barry  
'This is what we've waited for  
This is it, boys, this is war'  
The schoolkids' pride is on the line  
As 69 dungeoneers go by  
  
69 Knights of the realm  
Ride scaly dragons in a Helm  
Everyone's a boy/girl hero  
Everyone's a child at work  
With orders to pick up the clues  
To help a friend and dodge a ruse  
Nasty when the weak ones die  
As 69 dungeoneers go by  
  
Myriad dreams I have had  
In every one a dungeoneer  
It's all over and I'm standin' there  
Thinking back to days of Knightmare  
If I could find a souvenir  
Just to prove the show was here  
And here is a video  
I think of you and let it go... 


	23. Dungeoneer (based on Dancing Queen)

Friday now and the lights are low  
Knapsack, Helm and away you go  
'Where am I?' you keep asking, going in the room  
You come in and hope against doom  
Friends are there so you do not die  
Knights are young but the peril's high  
With a bit of spellcasting, everything is fine  
You're in the mood for a quest  
And when you try your best  
  
You are the Dungeoneer, hardly sweet, and too young for beer  
Dungeoneer, feel the heat if you meet Lord Fear  
You've a chance, you can thrive, having the time of your life  
Seek that Grail, dodge that spear, dig in the Dungeoneer 


	24. DISMISSED (based on UNCOUPLED)

We've been D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D   
We can't bring ourselves to say it. No Siree   
We were quieted but not knighted   
We're a Team without a dream  
We've been D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D  
  
Perhaps we dithered or kinda withered   
Maybe we shamed him   
Who could have blamed him   
If he thought us second-class   
Went in search kids who'd pass   
Went to find some who'd beat Level Three  
  
And we're just D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D   
Cos we couldn't tell Right from L.E.F.T  
People look and us and think,   
"There they go, that Team who stink"   
They've been D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D  
  
And we're just D.I.S.M.I.S.S.E.D   
But we'll get our R.E.V.E.N.G.E   
He'll come crawling back one day   
And we'll turn to him and say   
Go away, T.R.E.G.U.A.R.D! 


	25. Going Through The Potions

[ROTHBERRY:]  
  
Every single day: apothecary  
  
I go out and strike a deal  
  
Still it always feels so strange and scary  
  
Nothing here is right, nothing here is real  
  
I've been in a haze of trading days just hoping no one says  
  
That I've been going through the potions  
  
Fortunes getting worse  
  
Nothing seems to penetrate my... purse  
  
I was always tall and kind, not noxious  
  
Now I find I'm wavering   
  
Come up to my stall, you'll find this stock just  
  
Isn't worth a thing  
  
[MOTLEY:]  
  
You'll be bust by Spring  
  
[ROTHBERRY:]  
  
...Thanks for noticing  
  
[SYLVESTER HANDS, SIDRISS, MOTLEY:]  
  
He did pretty well with charms and spells  
  
But lately we can tell  
  
That he's just going through the potions  
  
Flaking out somehow  
  
[HANDS, after drinking 'Pain Medicine' from the stall:]  
  
He's not even half the bloke he... ow!  
  
Will I stay this way forever?  
  
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour?  
  
[HONESTY BARTRAM:]  
  
Come and work for me...  
  
[ROTHBERRY:]  
  
...Whatever  
  
I don't want to be  
  
Going through the potions  
  
Too few coins to thrive  
  
[BARTRAM:]  
  
He can't even see  
  
I'll make him work for free  
  
[ROTHBERRY:]  
  
And I just want to be... alive. 


	26. Quest Oddity (based on Space Oddity)

Quest Control to Dungeoneer  
  
Quest Control to Dungeoneer  
  
Keep your knapsack full and have your helmet near  
  
Quest Control to Dungeoneer  
  
You're missing 'Countdown' for Lord Fear  
  
Bold steps forward and may good luck be with you  
  
This is Quest Control to Dungeoneer  
  
You've really made the grade  
  
And the Watchers want to know whose shirts you wear  
  
Now it's time to use the Eye Shield if you dare  
  
"This is Dungeoneer to Quest Control  
  
I'm stepping through the door  
  
And I'm walking in a most peculiar way  
  
And the sky looks very different today  
  
For here  
  
Am I wandering in a tin helm  
  
Far away from home  
  
All the screens are blue  
  
And there's nothing I can do  
  
Though I've passed through most of Level One  
  
I'm feeling very still And I hope that you guys know which way to go  
  
Tell my mum I love her very much she knows."  
  
Quest Control to Dungeoneer  
  
That causeway's tough, the drop is sheer  
  
Can you hear me, Dungeoneer?  
  
Can you hear me, Dungeoneer?  
  
Can you hear me, Dungeoneer?  
  
Can you....  
  
"Here am I falling in my tin helm  
  
Far below the ground  
  
All the screens are blue  
  
And there's nothing I can do." 


	27. Sidestep Beyond (from One Step Beyond)

This is what Treguard may have said, just before Simon in Series 4 was told to sidestep left, into a hole...  
  
Hey, Team!  
  
Don't watch me, watch him  
  
This is the heavy Block and Tackle room  
  
The scariest room around  
  
So if you're sitting on their seats  
  
And you're beginning to feel the heat  
  
Well listen, Simon, you better start to move your feet  
  
To the scariest unsteady beat of Knightmare  
  
Sidestep beyond! 


	28. Our Fort (based on Our House)

Treguard wears his Friday best  
Merlin's tired he needs a rest  
The kids are on a quest downstairs  
Sidriss' sighing in her sleep  
Fidjit's got a date to keep  
He can't hang around  
  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on ITV  
  
Our fort has teams who've rowed  
They try to guide their dungeoneer  
And they usually shout loud  
Lord Fear he's so house proud  
Only SPLASH spells slow him down  
And a quest is not allowed  
  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on ITV  
Our fort showing on CITV  
[something tells you that you mustn't turn away from it]  
Our fort showing on ITV  
  
Lord Fear gets up late for work  
Skarkill tries to iron his shirt  
Then he sends the goblins out  
Sees them off with a small kiss  
He's the one they're going to miss  
In lovely ways  
  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on ITV  
  
I remember way back then  
When all the children watched KM  
We would have such a very good time  
Such a fine time  
Such a happy time   
And I remember how we'd pray  
Simply wish it were Friday  
Then we'd say, nothing would come between us  
And keenness  
  
Treguard wears his Friday best  
Merlin's tired he needs a rest  
The kids are on a quest downstairs  
Sidriss' sighing in her sleep  
Fidjit's got a date to keep  
He can't hang around  
  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on ITV  
Our fort was our castle and our keep  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort that was where doors used to weep  
Our fort showing on CITV  
Our fort showing on CITV... 


	29. Tr-Tr-Treguard (based on Changes)

I still don't know what I was waiting for  
And my game was running wild  
A million dead-end quests  
Every time I thought I'd got it made  
It seemed the Team was not so sweet  
So I turned myself to face me  
But I've never caught a glimpse  
Of how the Watchers must see the faker  
I'm much too old to take that quest  
  
Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard  
(Turn and face the strain)  
Tr-tr-Treguard  
Don't want to be a losing man  
Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard  
(Turn and grace the screen)  
Tr-tr-Treguard  
Just gonna have to be a different man  
Tim may change me  
But I can't trace Tim  
  
I watch the backdrops change their size  
But never leave the screen  
Of blue impermanence and  
So the quests float through my eyes  
But still the quests seem the same  
And these children that you sit by  
As they try to challenge your world  
Are immune to your consultations  
They're quite aware of what they're going through  
  
Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard  
(Turn and face the strain)  
Tr-tr-Treguard  
Don't tell them to wake up and shout a bit  
Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard  
(Turn and grace the screen)  
Tr-tr-Treguard  
What's your name  
It's up to you to inspect a bit  
Tim may change me  
But you can't trace Tim  
  
Strange fascination, captivating me  
Knightmares are taking the pace I'm going through  
  
Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard  
(Turn and face the strain)  
Tr-tr-Treguard  
Oh, look out you Fears 'n Mogdreds  
Tr-tr-tr-tr-Treguard  
(Turn and grace the screen)  
Tr-tr-Treguard  
Pretty soon we're gonna get another winner  
Tim may change me  
But I can't trace Tim  
I said that beards may change me  
But I won't shave beards 


	30. We Didn't Stop The Knightmare

Scaramonger, Bumptious, Red Dragons, Igneous   
Mistress Goody, Mellisandre, Catacombite   
  
Lillith Motley, Talisman, Stiletta and Miremen   
Block And Tackle, Antechamber, Play Your Cards Right   
  
Vale Of Worms, HStorm, Brother Strange, Linghorm  
Knapsack, Samurai, Emii with a double-i   
  
Automatum, Sidriss, 'Home in time for Christmas'   
Helm Of Justice, 'Shuddup Festus', Series 8 then goodbye   
  
CHORUS  
We didn't stop the Knightmare  
Hope was always burning  
And the times are turning  
We didn't stop the Knightmare  
No we didn't fight it  
But we will ignite it  
  
Dungeonmaster, Password, 'Goblin Fodder', Talking bird   
'Enter stranger', Crazed Heifer, Dooreen Ah Wok  
  
Lissard, Skeletron, Ariadne, 'Game on'  
Trial By Spikes and Three Life Force Clocks   
  
Eye Shield, Grimaldine, trophies for a winning team   
Dunkley Wood, Sly Hands, Cedric Marta, Quicksand   
  
Bomb Room, Oracle, Barry's hammer, Floating skull   
Brother Mace, Wellways, trouble on the Causeways   
  
CHORUS  
  
Mills of Doom, Snapper Jack, moving minecart, Malefact   
Broadswords, and McGrew, 'Bold Sir Hugh to rescue you'   
  
Scorpion, fireballs, Winteria portals   
Stormgeists, spell scrolls, maps from Mrs. Grimwold   
  
Olaf Folly, Mogdred, spellcasting, Marblehead   
Humbug jars, Frightknights, catacombs of Cavernwights  
  
Clue Room, Rothberry, bar of gold and 'Ooh nasty'   
Challenge TV, Greenshades, and the Corridor Of Blades   
  
CHORUS  
  
David Rowe, Boatman, Questions from the Brollochan   
Pickle, Merlin, Place Of Choice, Illusion   
  
Pookas Velda Combat chess, D-I-S-M-I-S-S  
Olgarth, Dungarth, Raptor Malice Elfpath   
  
Treguard, Brangwen She, Owen Fidjit Chromakey   
BVA, Friday, what else do I have to say   
  
CHORUS  
  
'Sidestep left', Assassin, Vale of Vanburn, Gwendoline  
Mildread, Gumboil, Wolfenden, Gargoyle   
Pixel, Skarkill, Pendulum, starting out on Level One   
Lord Fear's at his viewing pool, Morghanna is being cruel   
  
Wheel of Fortune, Granitas, bar of silver, spyglass  
Spindizzy, Heggatty, Cup, Crown, Level Three   
Descendors and trapdoors, never saw Count Brinkatore   
Rocks of Bruin Nemanor, we love Knightmare give us more   
  
We didn't stop the Knightmare  
Hope was always burning  
And the times are turning  
We didn't stop the Knightmare  
But when we are gone  
Will it run on, and on, and on, and on... 


	31. Fat Bottomed Guards

Are you gonna take my gold tonight ?  
Ah down beneath that violet light  
Are you gonna let it all hang out ?  
Fat bottomed guards  
You make the bloppin' world go round  
  
Hey I was just a dungeoneer  
Never knew the taste of fear  
But I knew lard before I got to Level Three - huh  
Left alone with big Fatilla  
Sure he ain't no ladykiller  
Heap big sentry you made a brave kid out of me  
Hey hey!  
Wooh  
  
I've been wandering for my team  
Through the dungeon across the deme  
I seen wizards, maids and jesters on the way, hey  
But they lack the wit and pace  
Of tavern monks like Brother Mace  
Take me to them drunken clerics everytime  
  
C'mon  
Oh won't you give me spells tonight ?  
With mirth and girth that are not slight  
Oh and you wear a silly rope  
Fat bottomed monks you make the Latin world go round  
Fat bottomed monks you make the Latin world go round  
  
Hey listen here  
Now I have journeyed far from home  
I need food and firestones  
I'm a stranger here in this reality (I tell you)  
Oh but I still get my pleasure  
When there's waists too big to measure  
Heap big people you gonna make a big knight out of me  
  
Now get this  
Oh (I know) you gonna take my gold tonight (please)  
With mirth and girth that are not slight  
Are you gonna let it all hang out ?  
Fat bottomed guards you make the bloppin' world go round yeah  
Fat bottomed monks you make the Latin world go round 


	32. Sidriss (based on Sit Down)

A minstrel sings his song  
A song in the darkest levels  
She has hair that's long  
In sight of Friday  
  
Teams quest deep and long  
Meet angels then dance with devils  
She's not brave nor strong  
But she's there anyway  
  
Guided down and underground  
My life is out of control  
I believe this girl will bear good will  
So here we go  
  
Oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss  
Sidriss next to me  
Sidriss, is, is, is, is  
Of Powers That Be  
  
Now I'm relieved to hear  
As I quest to some far out places  
Sidriss will be near  
When I feel all alone  
  
Now I'm down in Level Three  
It's worse than it was before  
Glad I had help from Sidriss  
Even though her magic's poor  
  
Oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss  
Sidriss next to me  
Sidriss, Miss, is this bliss  
Or sympathy?  
  
Dungeoneers who feel a sadness  
Sidriss is for thee  
Locksmiths written in through madness  
Sidriss is for thee  
Jesters dressed to look ridiculous  
Sidriss is for thee  
  
At risk, Lord Fear, Sidriss, no tears  
At risk, Lord Fear, Sidriss, no tears  
At risk, Lord Fear, Sidriss, no tears  
Of help, Confused, Sidriss  
Dis..  
...Miss  
  
Oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss  
Sidriss next to me  
Sidriss, is, is, is, is  
Of Powers That Be  
  
Oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss, oh Sidriss  
Sidriss next to me  
Sidriss, Miss, is this bliss  
Or sympathy?  
Miss 


	33. Assassin (based on It's A Sin)

Original lyrics at:

When I look out from my dark hood

It's always with a sense of shame

I've always been the one to blame

For everything I long to stab

No matter when or where I nab

There's one fact that all can grab

It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin

Assassin

Everything I've ever done

Everywhere I try to creep

Everyplace I've ever been

Be it woods or ruined keep

Assassin

At home they taught me not to need

To make a total stranger bleed

They didn't quite succeed

For everything I long to stab

No matter when or where I nab

There's one fact that all can grab

It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin

Assassin

Everything I've ever done

Everywhere I try to creep

Everyplace I've ever been

Be it woods or ruined keep

Assassin

Treguard forgive me

I tried not to do it

Turned over a new cloak

Then tore right through it

Whatever you taught me

I didn't believe it

Treguard you fought me

Cuz I get so scared and I always understab

So I look out from my dark hood

Forever with a sense of shame

I've always been the one to blame

For everything I long to stab

No matter when or where I nab

There's one fact that all can grab

It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin

Assassin

Everything I've ever done

Everywhere I try to creep

Everyplace I've ever been

Be it woods or ruined keep

Assassin

It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin

It's an, it's an, it's an, Assassin 


	34. Pickle And Kully (from Mulder and Scully

Original lyrics:

Treguard sings about how he needs the company of new assistants. He settles upon two elves...

Majida was too persistent, I feel I need new assistants

Stop fearing what you . . . Keep fearing it too . . .

I used to be bold and lonely, the Greater Game's one and only

Stop fearing what you . . . Keep fearing it too . . .

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Pickle and Kully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sit alone

Elita she'd annoy me, I think Sidriss would destroy me

Stop fearing what you . . . Keep fearing it too . . .

Merlin would be dozy and dim, he'd take a week to spellcast VIM

Stop fearing what you . . . Keep fearing it too . . .

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Pickle and Kully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sit alone

The antechamber's cold and I feel I'm getting old

So tell me something I don't know

If the teams need help on quests, isn't having elves the best?

Or else all hope is through and through and through

So Pickle's here with his sibling, I hope we play the game and win

Stop fearing what you . . . Keep fearing it for me

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Pickle and Kully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sit alone here

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Pickle and Kully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sit alone

So what have you got to say about that?

And how does Treguard live without peace?

And how does Treguard live with elves?

And what have you got to say about that? 


	35. Mediaeval Glory (from Never Ending Story

Wear the Helm

Others help you see

In this realm

The Knightmares are your dreams

Make believe the screens aren't blue

The Fourth Wall standing high

And read between the levels

For the pathway to your Mediaeval glory

(Aaah,aaah,aaah)

Reach the doors

Step beyond the stress

Beat the flaws

And you will win your quest

Scrolls that keep their secrets

Will unfold behind the screen

And there upon the clipboards

Are the waypoints to your Mediaeval glory

(Aaah,aaah,aaah)

Glory

(Aaah,aaah,aaah)

Show Lord Fear

That you won't go astray

In your hands

The clues to light your way

Scrolls that keep their secrets

Will unfold behind the screen

And there upon the clipboards

Are the waypoints to your Mediaeval glory

(Aaah,aaah,aaah)

Mediaeval glory

(Aaah,aaah,aaah...) 


	36. Wolfenden (from Astro Farm)

A reworking of the theme song to Astro Farm. Original lyrics at:

When you're cruisin' through the dungeon, advisors as your eyes

There's always something new to see

When you're riding on a dragon there's always a surprise

So why don't you fly with me?

Wolfenden, Wolfenden

It's a very useful place

Wolfenden, Wolfenden

Can't you see we're living in a blue-screen town in studio space?

Wolfenden, Wolfenden

Everywhere a scheming face

Wolfenden, Wolfenden

Can't you see we're living in a blue-screen town in studio space?

Wolfenden, Wolfenden! 


	37. Into The Dungeon (from Into the Sunset)

Based on a song called Into The Sunet, from the soundtrack album for the CITV cartoon, The Dreamstone. Lyrics available at:

The stories we could tell

Of chambers that we've been through

You saved me with a spell

The same as I did for you

Don't let the causeway cause us to fall

We must walk ahead, not crawl

Into the dungeon once again, together

Onwards through portals into black

Into the dungeon we could quest forever

There is no turning back

The dangers that we face

Are great if we let them be

No magic could replace

The strength of advisors three

Don't let the wild blades tear us apart

And don't let us lose our heart

Into the dungeon once again, together

Down through the levels into black

Into the dungeon we could quest forever

There is no turning back

Into the dungeon once again, together

Onwards through portals into black

Into the dungeon we could quest forever

There is no turning back 


	38. CGI Killed The Level One Guard

A lament on behalf of the likes of Olaf and Fatilla, who were replaced by the likes of blockers and the Dreadnought...

I saw you on the TV before '92 Staying awake to guard the way to Level Two If they were young you'd try to stop them getting through (Oh oh)

They took your weapons and your imbecility Replaced you with machines and new technology And now I understand the problems you can see

(Oh oh)  
I met with Tim Child (Oh oh)  
What did you tell him?

CGI killed the Level One guard CGI killed the Level One guard Blockers came and broke your heart (Oh oh oh oh oh)... 


	39. These Swords (based on These Words)

Gundrada sings about her armory:

Drew some swords together

And a dagger G-U-T

Is who I am, is what I do

No one's gonna slay it down for you

Try to focus my attention

But I got no V-I-M

I'm in the stocks, I need salvation

(But it's not coming easily)

Whoah oh

Trying to beat the magic

Trying to look so drastic

Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?

Dungeon full of goblins

Chopped their legs, now they're hobbling

These swords are my own

From the hilt known

I'll 'ave you, I'll 'ave you, I'll 'ave you, I'll 'ave you

There's no other way

To better say

I'll 'ave you, I'll 'ave you... 


	40. Floating Skulls (based on Hungry Eyes)

I've been meaning to tell you I've got this feeling that won't subside I look at them and I fantasise They glare and bite But they don't, you'll be alright, they're just

Floating skulls They stay too long and they're really quite dull, they are Floating skulls They never led to a dungeoneer cull

I want to tell you, so hear me out Skulls won't infect you with herpes or gout Step to the right They're no better than small kites, they're just

Floating skulls They stay too long and they're really quite dull, they are Floating skulls They never led to a dungeoneer cull

Floating skulls Do not fear the threat is null with these Floating skulls Now did they catch you in a lull?

I need you to see They hardly ought to be

Floating skulls They stay too long and they're really quite dull, they are Floating skulls They never led to a dungeoneer cull

Floating skulls Do not fear the threat is null with these Floating skulls Now did they catch you in a lull?

Floating skulls Floating skulls 


	41. Go Left (based on Go West)

Prior to going on Knightmare, a team discusses a direction strategy that is distinctly untraditional...

(Together) We will find our way

(Together) We will win someday

(Together) Pencils in our hands

(Together) We will make our plans

(Together) We will fly so high

(Providing) That a dragon's nigh

(Together) We'll pass Level Two

(Together) This is what we'll do

(Go left) Life is peaceful there

(Go left) While we're on Knightmare

(Go left) Where the screens are blue

(Go left) This is what we're gonna do

(Together) We will love the woods

(Together) We will trade for goods

(Together) We'll find food for life

(Together) We will work and strive

(I trust you) I know you trust me

(I need you) How could I disagree?

(So that's why) I make no protest

(When you say) You will win the quest

(Go left) Life is peaceful there

(Go left) While we're on Knightmare

(Go left) Team of one plus three

(Go left) This is our destiny

(Go left) Fun in wintertime

(Go left) We will do just fine

(Go left) Where the screens are blue

(Go left, this is what we're gonna do)

Right down to Level Three

We'll be (We'll be) what we want to be (Aah aah aah aah)

Now if we head on down

We'll find (We'll find) our promised crown

(I know that) There are many doors

(To go through) And pass holes in floors

(Together) We will find a route

(To follow) Plus we'll pick up fruit

(Without rush) And the pace back right

(The hustling) And the need to fight

(I know I'm) Ready to quest too

(So that's what) We are gonna do... 


	42. Old (based on Gold)

Series 4 has just ended. Everyone is fuming about Merlin's Christmas stunt, and his general senility. Treguard marches into the Dungeon, finds Merlin's Series 3 chamber with his chair still in place, and summons him, ready to confront him.

Thank you for coming here

I'm sorry that the chair is all worn

The cavemen made it when you were born

Christmas is over now

Your decorations got thrown away

Not another spell for today

We've had enough of you, had enough of you

Your presence doesn't make me feel small

You're nothing but a bumbling old fool

Old (Old)

Aging has taken his toll

You've lost the power to know

You're unbelievable

Always persisting, 'cause you are

Old (Old)

Bad that you're bound to return

It's timing, we wish you'd learned

You're unbelievable, always persisting

When you are casting spells

I hope you take a little less time

A pause like yours is almost a crime

It's only three years ago

The wizard with the wand and the cloak

You turned into a senile old joke

Now we're annoyed with you, we're annoyed with you

My hatred's like a high dungeon wall

You're nothing but a bumbling old fool

Old (Old)

Aging has taken his toll

You've lost the power to know

You're unbelievable

Always persisting, 'cause you are

Old (Old)

Bad that you're bound to return

It's timing, we wish you'd learned

You're unbelievable, always persisting... 


	43. Filling Your Knapsack (Making Yr Mind Up

You gotta speed it up, and then you gotta slow it down

Coz if you believe that your team can reach the end

You gotta walk around

But soon you will find that there comes a time

For filling your knapsack

You gotta spot some food, and then you gotta stay the course

You gotta be sure that it's something you can use to

Build up your Life Force

Before you decide that the times arrived

For filling your knapsack

Don't let your indecision, take you from behind

Trust advisers' vision, do let others guide your mind

And then you really gotta turn to left

And take another sidestep right

Get some clues from the clue room and take a chance

So you can be a knight

And when you can see how it's gotta be

You're filling your knapsack

And try to look as if you don't care less

But if you want to eat some more

Knowing the rules of the game

Will let you find the food you're looking for

And then you can show that you think you know

You're filling your knapsack

Don't let your indecision, take you from behind

Trust advisers' vision, do let others guide your mind

And now you really gotta speed it up, and then you gotta slow it down

Coz if you believe that our love can hit the top

You gotta play around

But soon you will find that there comes a time

For filling your knapsack 


	44. Knightmare Dungeon (Streets of London)

Have you seen the old man in the stocks all locked up,

Crying out for pity with worn out voice?

You can see he doesn't know, he lost his marbles long ago,

Yesterday's wizard giving yesterday's choice.

So how can you tell me you're lonely, and say, for you that the sun don't shine?

Let me fit you with a helm and guide you though the Knightmare Dungeon,

I'll show you something to make you change your mind.

Have you seen the old crone within the Knightmare Dungeon,

Dirt up her nose and her clothes in rags?

She's no time for walking, she just keeps right on squawking,

Carrying fake maps and dressed up in drag.

So how can you tell me you're lonely, and say, for you that the sun don't shine?

Let me fit you with a helm and guide you though the Knightmare Dungeon,

I'll show you something to make you change your mind.

In the dingy throne room somewhere on the second Level,

Same old man sitting there with a groan,

Meets a dungeoneer, so he tries to raise their Life Force,

Each VIM lasts an hour, and he acts as if he's stoned.

So how can you tell me you're lonely, and say, for you that the sun don't shine?

Let me fit you with a helm and guide you though the Knightmare Dungeon,

I'll show you something to make you change your mind.

Have you seen the old man outside the murky sewers,

Magic fading like the red robes that he wears?

After six long series, he's not a threat like Fear is,

He's one more forgotten menace with a head of streaky hair.

So how can you tell me you're lonely, and say, for you that the sun don't shine?

Let me fit you with a helm and guide you though the Knightmare Dungeon,

I'll show you something to make you change your mind. 


	45. Letter O (based on Let It Be)

When I find myself in times of trouble

Master Treguard lets me know

Something I've forgotten - letter O

Our heads are full of darkness

He can't stand that we've nowhere to go

Something I've forgotten - letter O

Letter O, letter O

Letter O, letter O

Something I've forgotten

Letter O

And when the scatter-brained advisors

Have no intellects to show

There will be an answer - letter O

For though he seems constrained, old Treguard

Realises their minds are slow

There will be an answer - letter O

Letter O, letter O

Letter O, letter O

Something I've forgotten

Letter O

And when a boy is shrouded, Dungeon

Masters change the status quo

Oh dear what a pity, letter O

His friends' minds were too clouded, Mogdred

Really was a tough old foe

Oh dear what a pity, letter O

Letter O, letter O

Letter O, letter O

Oh dear what a pity

Letter O... 


	46. I Don't Like Fridays

The magical staff beside his chair Gets switched to overload And nobody's gonna do a quest today If they get in he spellcasts HOME And Pickle doesn't understand it Although he knows that Treguard's getting old And he can see no reason 'Cause there are no reasons What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why I don't like Fridays It's because They're 'kids might die' days Blocks or blades Or spells or causeways I want to shut The whole Dungeon

The dank viewing pool makes Fear feel cool As he speaks to a waiting world And Pickle feels so shocked Treguard's world is rocked And their thoughts turn to The boys and the girls 8 to 14 ain't so peachy keen No, it ain't so neat to admit defeat They can see no reasons 'Cause there are no reasons What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why I don't like Fridays It's because They're 'kids might die' days Blocks or blades Or spells or causeways I want to shut The Dungeon down

All the playing's stopped in the Dungeon now He wants to polish his sword awhile And school's out early and soon we'll be learning And the lesson today is how to die And then the fire crackles And Morghanna cackles With the problems and the hows and whys And he can see no reasons 'Cause there are no reasons What reason do you need to die?

Tell me why I don't like Fridays It's because They're 'kids might die' days Blocks or blades Or spells or causeways I want to shut The whole Dungeon 


	47. Grim Wold (based on Mad World)

All around me are familiar jesters SHUDDUP FESTUS, how it pesters Bright and early for the daily questors Going somewhere, going somewhere The faces hidden under helmets No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to take an item He would smite 'em, it would bite 'em And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The quests with dearies dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people are on Knightmare it's a very very Grim Wold Grim Wold 


	48. Fatilla (based on Thriller)

It's close to teatime, and something evil's lurking on the path

Near 'ooh nasty' time, you hear a grunt that almost stops your heart

You try to scream, but Treguard tells you not to be so noisy

You start to freeze, as squalor looks you right between the horns

Then he just yawns

'Cause it's Fatilla, Fatilla right

And who is gonna save you from the brute about to strike?

You know Fatilla, Fatilla right

You're questing for your life beside a big Fatilla tonight

Your three advisors are wondering just what he's gonna do

You sense the large club, and wonder if you'll get to Level Two

You close your eyes and wonder why his name's so very corny

But all the while you fear that he will turn you into chops

With blips and blops

'Cause it's Fatilla, Fatilla right

There ain't no seventh chance against the thing of enormous size

You know Fatilla, Fatilla right

You're questing to survive beside a big Fatilla tonight

He's Michael Cule and when he's not Fatilla he's Brother Mace

All of the teams will escape the barbarian each time

It's so easy it's a crime

He will not like you, he wants to stop you climbing in the well

But his low IQ will help you get away with lies you tell

This is the day to use your wits or items... or there's Pickle

So many ways of getting past the hulking hungry hun

You'll find it fun

'Cause it's Fatilla, Fatilla right

And he won't chill you more than any ghost who would dare to try

You know Fatilla, Fatilla right

So seek to be a knight and pass a filler, diller, swiller

Fatilla - he's not light...

...And so on.

And now for the Vincent Price 'rap'. Which isn't all that different from Treguard's rhyming recaps, when you think about it...

Teatime falls across the land

The Knightmare hour is close at hand

Children watch with curtains drawn

With family, friends, or all forlorn

And whomsoever there might be

That dares to flick to BBC

Shall have a Friday dull as hell

And freeze along with time-out bell

The foulest stench is in the air

A hun who hasn't washed for years

And, dumb as when he left the womb

He's standing guard at Fort of Doom

And though you're fighting not to laugh

Your lip will start to quiver

For no mere mortal can resist

The humour of Fatilla 


	49. Ooh Nasty (based on Sometimes)

_Based on Sometimes by Erasure._

It's not the way you send them with the Helm into the Dungeon  
It's not the way you don't wear silly hats like Nemanor

Been thinking about you, I just couldn't wait to see  
Watching you on Knightmare as you bring those words to me

Ooh nasty  
A death is turned into a source of glee, yeah  
Ooh nasty  
You're the best DM on TV

It's not the way that you impress me, brighten up my Fridays  
It's not my sense of emptiness you fill with your log fire

Stand by the advisors, and forget about Tim Child  
Taunt them, you will haunt them with the words that drive us wild:

Ooh nasty  
A death is turned into a source of glee, yeah  
Ooh nasty  
You're the best DM on TV...


	50. N-N-N-N-nasty (based on Nineteen)

_Based on Nineteen by Paul Hardcastle._

"In 1987, Knightmare seemed like just another TV show.  
But it wasn't.  
It was different in many ways, and so were those that did the questing.  
In World War II the average death of the combat soldier was tragic.  
In Knightmare it was nasty.  
In-in-in-in-in-in-in Knightmare it was nasty..."

N-n-n-n-nasty

"The walking and sidestepping of the past five years continued today  
25 miles south west of Dunshelm"

"I wasn't really sure where I was"

N-n-n-n-nasty, nasty, n-nasty, nasty  
Nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty

"In Knightmare the dungeoneer typically served a thirty minute tour of duty  
But was exposed to hostile danger in almost every room..."  
N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nasty n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nasty  
N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-Knightmare n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-Knightmare

"In Dunshelm a Saxon Powers That Be spokesman said today more than 4 adventurers  
Were killed last year in that sensitive border area.  
Throughout all of the Dungeon the PTB lost a total of 160 soldiers..."

All those who remember Knightmare  
They don't forget what they see  
Dismissal of kids in their prime  
Whose average death was nasty  
Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-dismissal  
D-d-d-d-d-d-d-Dunswater

"According to a Veterans Administration study,  
Half of the Knightmare TV veterans suffer from what psychiatrists call  
Post Traumatic Quest Disorder.  
Many vets complain of alienation, rage or guilt.  
Some succumb to Yuletide thoughts.  
Eighteen to eleven years after coming home, almost two hundred people  
Are still playing the Knightmare game..."

"Few of them received a hero's welcome..."


	51. Brollachan (based on Spider-Man)

_Based on the old Spider-Man TV theme. Each verse is on a different Knightmare topic._

Brollachan, Brollachan  
Does whatever Rik Waller can  
Sits on walls, hungers lots  
Quite appals, could be shot  
Look out! Here comes the Brollachan

Maldame, Maldame  
Does what Malice/Morghanna may  
Spied throughout Series Eight  
Vied for clout, came too late  
Time out! Here comes the Maldame

Nemanor, Nemanor,  
See his name and you may guffaw,  
Hear his voice, laugh some more,  
See his hat and you're on floor,  
Look out! Here comes the Nemanor.

Martin Toole, Martin Toole,  
To the Watchers he's pretty cool,  
Dodged a shark, spooked a guard,  
Beetles question was far too hard,  
Look out! Here comes the Martin Toole.

Smirkenorff, Smirkenorff,  
Quite a bit bigger than a dwarf,  
Didn't give many hints,  
Stuck to flying and dragonmints,  
Look out! Here comes the Smirkenorff.

Arken Shield, Arken Shield,  
Collect the pieces and Fear'll yield,  
Cast a spell, trap a lord,  
Win a quest, get reward,  
Look out! Here comes the Arken Shield.

Anglia, Anglia,  
Second only to Shangri-La,  
Thanks to them, we've KM,  
It's la creme de la creme,  
Hurrah! Here comes the Anglia.

Christmastime, Christmastime,  
Scene of Merlin's most heinous crime,  
Poor old Giles and his team,  
Yuletide dented their self-esteem,  
Look out! Here comes the Christmastime.

OPPOSITE, OPPOSITE,  
Helped a team out a proper pit,  
Poison turned safe and clean,  
Life Force turned red to green,  
Go on! Spellcast the OPPOSITE.


	52. We Are The Walls (from We Are The World)

_Based on We Are The World by USA For Africa._

There comes a time when we need a certain call  
When the walls must act together as one  
There are people questing  
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to kids  
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on pretending day by day  
That some team somehow will make it unhelped  
We're all a part of Tim's great big Knightmare world  
And the truths - you know clues are what they need

[Chorus:]  
We are the walls, they are the children  
We are the ones who make a bright Friday  
So let's keep asking  
There's a choice we're masking  
We're saving our own lives  
It's true we'll make a better day  
With Brangwen She

Well, give them your clues  
So they know that someone cares  
And their quests will be stronger and free  
As Tim has shown them  
By turning stone to us  
And so we all must lend a helping face

[Chorus]

When you're in the helm  
There seems no hope at all  
But if you just believe  
There's no way you can fall  
Wall, wall, wall, let's realise  
That one change can only come  
When walls act together as one

[Chorus]


	53. Dunshelm (from DuckTales)

_Based on the DuckTales theme song._

__Don't watch Tony Hart and Morph  
Switch to Dunshelm  
Mine-carts, ogres, Smirkenorff  
It will overwhelm  
Might solve a mystery, while feet get blistery

Dunshelm!  
(a - whooh ooh)  
Each Friday they're out there having Funshelm  
(a - whooh ooh)  
Helms to wear when all is said and Dunshelm

An antechamber  
(Treguard's resting)  
Enter stranger  
(Now there's questing)  
What to do?  
Just tune into some Dunshelm  
(a - whooh ooh)  
Each Friday they're out there having Funshelm  
(a - whooh ooh)  
Helms to wear when all is said and Dunshelm  
(a-whooh ooh)  
Not steersman's helm or soldier's helm, no - Dunshelm!  
(a - whooh ooh!)


	54. I'll Beware For You (from Friends theme)

_Based on I'll Be There For You by The Rembrandts, a.k.a. the Friends theme song. After all, a dungeoneer's best friend is - or should be - his advisor._

__So no one said the quest was gonna be this way  
You lost your gold, you're cold, it all looks blue today  
It's like you're always stuck on Level Two  
But when you have no help from scrolls, from elves, from spells, and haven't a clue, then

I'll beware for you  
When the blocks start to fall  
I'll beware for you  
When a face fills the wall  
I'll beware for you  
Are you scared for me too?


	55. I'll Hold Your Gold (A Whole New World)

_Based on A Whole New World from the film Aladdin. Julius Scaramonger sees a dungeoneer with a bar of gold, and bursts into song:  
_  
I can see you have gold  
Shining shimmering splendid  
Tell me, dungeoneer, when did  
You last let your heart decide?  
If you open your eyes  
Even under that helmet  
All your hopes will be well-met  
As I trust I've now implied

I'll hold your gold  
And sell fantastic things to you  
Your friends might tell you no  
Or where to go  
Or say I'm only scheming  
I'll hold your gold  
A dazzling deal you never knew  
But here in Wolfenden  
With fiends and men  
I know I want  
To hold that gold for you

Unbelievable stock  
Indescribable discounts  
Such a range you might miscount  
As you're choosing what to buy

I'll hold your gold  
(Don't you dare choose Ah Wok)  
A hundred thousand things on sale  
(The more carats the better)  
Here on my market stall  
I sell it all  
But kitchen sinks, cigars, or Holy Grails

I'll hold your gold  
(It's the best type of rock)  
And help you on to Level Two  
(You won't be a regretter)  
Then you'll reach Level Three  
All thanks to me  
So let me take that bar of gold off you

I'll hold your gold  
(A whole new world)  
That's what I'll do  
(That's what you'll do)  
A thrilling deal  
(Can this be real?)  
For me and me


	56. Bladed Corridor (from Summer Holiday)

_Based on Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard._

__We're all going down a bladed corridor  
No more safety for a scene or two  
Stress and panic in the bladed corridor  
If he says "Nasty!" after "Ooh"  
Then our failure is true

We're going where the blades gleam brightly  
We're going were the screen is blue  
We know we must be spritely  
Or our whole quest is through

Every Watcher loves the bladed corridor  
Tension, shouting and then maybe "Phew!"  
So we're going down the bladed corridor  
It makes nightmares come true  
For a scene or two  
Help, I need the loo!


	57. Such A Bore Nemanor

_Based on Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations. This is about the character seen in Knightmare Series 6._

__Why are you such a bore (such a bore) Nemanor baby  
You just sail around (sail around) and never find ground  
And then worst of all (worst of all) a corridor maybe  
Leads me to your ship (to your ship) - I'd rather be whipped  
I hate you (I hate you) more than Birdseye or Janeway  
I wish I could use a mine cart  
What is more (what is more) Nemanor, your hat's a tart

I walked onto your deck and I thought, flipping heck  
Where am I? Who is that imbecile? (ba-da-da)  
Ridiculous beard and an accent so weird  
It's not true - now you know how I feel

(Hey hey hey) baby baby, get a shave  
Then go and find, your own astrolabe  
(Hey hey hey) I've a quest  
And it's not worth the stress  
Working for you  
(Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh)

Why are you such a bore (such a bore) Nemanor baby  
You just sail around (sail around) and never find ground  
And then worst of all (worst of all) a corridor maybe  
Leads me to your ship (to your ship) - I'd rather be whipped  
I hate you (I hate you) more than Birdseye or Janeway  
I wish I could use a mine cart  
What is more (what is more) Nemanor, your hat's a tart

To you I'm a threat and I owe you a debt because I  
Could be a stowaway (ba-da-da)  
Elita's here too, I prefer her to you, can't you try  
To please please go away?

(Hey hey hey) baby baby, get a shave  
Then go and find, your own astrolabe  
(Hey hey hey) I've a quest  
And it's not worth the stress  
Working for you  
(Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh)...


	58. Girls Just Want The Heifer

_Based on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Gundrada (Series 4) and Mellisandre's (Series 3-4) drinking song, in honour of their favourite pub, the Crazed Heifer._

I get caught in a set of stocks  
Old Hordriss just stands there next to Merlin and mocks  
I know you think I'm just a sword-wielding cur  
'Cause girls they want the Heifer  
Oh girls just want the Heifer

I fall down in the middle of the floor  
Old Treguard asks, "Don't you want to dodge those trapdoors?"  
Oh, DM dear, you know I thought you'd infer  
That girls they want the Heifer  
Oh girls just wanna quaff-

That's all they really want  
To drink on  
When the questing day's over  
Oh girls just want the Heifer  
Oh girls just want the Heifer

Girls, they want the  
Want the Heifer, girls  
Wanna quaff-

Some boys take a beautiful maid  
And show her the birds and the bees in Wolfglade  
I wanna be the one to drink 'til I slur  
Oh girls they want the Heifer  
Oh girls just wanna quaff...


	59. Slash (based on Flash)

_Based on Flash by Queen. Slash was the name of a sword that belonged to Gundrada the sword mistress in Knightmare Series 4._

Slash! Aa-aah  
Saviour of the catacombs  
Slash! Aa-aah  
Bloodstains all the Dungeon rooms

"Seemingly there is no reason for these extraordinarily slow quests." ("What's happening, Slash?") "Only Merlin, formerly at Camelot, has provided any explanation."

Slash! Aa-aah  
It's the best of swords

"This afternoon's unprecedented Christmas party is no cause for alarm."

Slash! Aa-aah  
Killer of the goblin hordes  
It's for every one of us  
Stabs for every one of us  
It skewers with a mighty gash  
Every Hun, every ogre, every dwarf  
With a mighty slash

"General Bony-Face, Slash Gundrada approaching."  
"What do you mean, 'Slash Gundrada approaching'?  
Open fire!  
All levels!  
Dispatch Goody and Malice, to bring back its scabbard!"

Slash! Aa-aah

"Gundrada's alive, live, live, live..."

Slash! Aa-aah  
Could stab any one of us  
Just a sword with a sword's cutting  
It knows nothing but a sword  
Not a club or flail  
Always at Gundrada's side  
Except when she's been jailed  
Oh-ooh, Ooh-ooh

"Slash, Slash, I love you! But we only have fourteen minutes to save the Dungeon!"

Slash!


	60. Life Force Pie (based on American Pie)

_Based on American Pie by Don McLean. This one is about how Knightmare's Life Force clock was changed (for the worse) for Series 8._

A long long time ago  
I can still remember how that Knightmare used to make me smile  
And I knew if I had my chance  
With Mellisandre Makepeace Perhappenstance  
Then maybe I'd be happy for a while  
But all its perils made me shiver  
With every show that they'd deliver  
Danger if you spied, yep  
Or couldn't work out sidesteps  
And I can't remember if I cried  
When I saw a new thing they had tried  
But something touched me deep inside  
The day the Life Force died

So, why, why did we have Life Force Pie?  
Tried to revel in the level  
But the level was dry  
And them poor young boys were thinkin' their end was nigh  
Singin' this'll be the day that we die  
This'll be the day that we die

Did you read the Book of Quests  
Do you really think a pie is best?  
Very few would tell you so  
Maybe Hordriss and Merlin thought they'd see  
When they pooled their senility  
The worst thing they could add to make us cry "No!"  
Well I know that you're in league with him  
'Cause I saw you sharin' ERG and VIM  
You both shaved off your beards  
Man, I think you're really quite weird  
There was a lonely middle-aged tavern monk  
And a cauldron couldn't hold the drinks he sunk  
'Cause he went out and got so drunk  
The day the Life Force died  
He started singin'

Why, why did we have Life Force Pie?  
Tried to revel in the level  
But the level was dry  
And them poor young boys were thinkin' their end was nigh  
Singin' this'll be the day that we die  
This'll be the day that we die

Now it's twelve years since the Pie was shown  
A change that most do not condone  
But that's not how it used to be  
When the jester sang in a Dungeon scene  
In an outfit that worked with bluescreen  
In a voice that came to you and me  
Oh, and while a monk was sitting down  
A boy came by on quest for crown  
The monk changed to a lizard  
Due to a scheming wizard  
And while Merlin brought in Christmas cheer  
Old Mogdred was replaced by Fear  
But all those changes seemed so mere  
The day the Life Force died  
We were singin'

Why, why did we have Life Force Pie?  
Tried to revel in the level  
But the level was dry  
And them poor young boys were thinkin' their end was nigh  
Singin' this'll be the day that we die  
This'll be the day that we die

[Skipping the next two verses of the 'long version' of the original song.]

I met a maid who knew the show  
And I asked her if the Pie should go  
But she just smiled and turned away  
I went down to the bakery  
And I said, "I want that pie for tea"  
But the man there said the Pie was here to stay

And in their homes the children screamed  
Just 'cause two senile wizards schemed  
But they had not intended  
For Knightmare to be ended  
And the hauntings I admire most  
The pooka, sword and the while skull ghost  
They caught a mine-cart for the coast  
The day the Life Force died  
And they were singin'

Why, why did we have Life Force Pie?  
Tried to revel in the level  
But the level was dry  
And them poor young boys were thinkin' their end was nigh  
Singin' this'll be the day that we die  
This'll be the day that we die...


	61. Weeping Door (based on Perfect Day)

_Based on Perfect Day by Lou Reed. The weeping doors of Series 4 are not popular with fans._

Just a Weeping Door  
Can't break it or kick it down  
Far more likely to wear a frown  
Than show glee  
Just a Weeping Door  
Hope there's only one of you  
Nope, there's one on Level Two  
And on Three

Oh, it's such a Weeping Door  
We hate you. True or false? True  
Oh, such a creeping bore  
Open up and let us through  
We'll make toothpicks out of you

Just a Weeping Door  
Spellbound and bound to whinge  
With names to make us cringe  
It's no fun  
Just a Weeping Door  
Made Pickle repeat himself  
The mournfulness kept the elf  
Paranoid, yeah*

Oh, it's such a Weeping Door  
We hate you. True or false? True  
Oh, scourge of Series Four  
Open up and let us through  
Or we'll seal your lips with glue

You're going to weep, just let me go  
You're going to weep, just let me go  
You're going to weep, just let me go [Repeated ad nauseam]  
Oh, what a Weeping Door


	62. Me, My Elf and Eye

_Treguard sees that the antechamber is empty apart from him, Pickle and the eyeshield. So he decides to rap about it. Based on Me Myself and I by De La Soul._

Magic mirror on the wall  
Tell me, mirror, what is weird?  
Can it be my DM clothes  
Or is it just my DM beard?  
What I do ain't make-believe  
People say I sit and try  
But when it comes to being DM  
It's just me, my elf and Eye

It's just me, my elf and Eye  
It's just me, my elf and Eye  
It's just me, my elf and Eye

Some may tease my Dungeon style  
And my Dungeon MC raps  
Some say I've looked like quite a stoner  
I did not, that's pure claptrap  
Always pushing that we've formed an image  
There's no need to lie  
When it comes to being Treguard  
It's just me, my elf and Eye

It's just me, my elf and Eye  
It's just me, my elf and Eye  
It's just me, my elf and Eye

Proud, I'm proud of what I am  
Poems I speak are DM type  
Please, oh please, let Pickle be  
Himself, though he's a silly sprite  
Right is wrong when hype is written  
On the Eyeshield, elf and me  
Style is surely our own thing  
Not the false disguise of TV  
Knightmare Castle's here for keeps  
And this fact I can't deny  
Strictly from the antechamber  
And from me, my elf and Eye

It's just me, my elf and Eye  
It's just me, my elf and Eye  
It's just me, my elf and Eye...

_The rest of the lyrics are too silly to parody._


	63. Castle of Knightmare (from Copacabana)

_Ever wondered why Lillith left the Dungeon after Series 2? Here's the answer, to the tune of Barry Manilow's Copacabana. Written in 2006._

Her name was Lillith, she was on Knightmare  
With shiny whatnots in her hair  
And her makeup set to scare  
She would get bossy, and lay down causeways  
And while she tried to make her mark  
Mogdred waited in the dark  
On Levels 1, 2, 3  
Slew dungeoneers with glee  
They were old but they had each other  
Versus Po'ers That Be

At the Castle, Castle of Knightmare  
Guaranteed to get a fright there  
At the Castle, Castle of Knightmare  
Dungeons with questing were always the best thing  
At the Castle, they fell in love

His name was Hordriss, wore a medallion  
And when he came to look around  
Lillith made his old heart pound  
After two series, he called her over  
But he would not leave her alone  
Mogdred sailed across the zone  
And then the punches flew  
And rocks were smashed in two  
There was blood and a fork of lightning  
But just who zapped who?

At the Castle, Castle of Knightmare  
Some of the puzzles weren't quite fair  
At the Castle, Castle of Knightmare  
Dungeons with questing were always the best thing  
At the Castle, she lost her love

Her name is Lillith, she was on Knightmare  
But that was 19 years ago, when they used to have a show  
Now it's in VR, but not for Lillith  
Still in the dress she used to wear  
Faded tin-foil in her hair  
She sits there so refined  
And drinks herself half-blind  
It was Merlin who'd zapped the others  
And he lost his mind

At the Castle, Castle of Knightmare  
Guaranteed to get a fright there  
At the Castle, Castle of Knightmare  
Dungeons with questing were always the best thing  
At the Castle, don't fall in love  
Don't fall in love


	64. Three Levels (based on Three Lions)

_Based on Three Lions by Baddiel & Skinner & Lightning Seeds._

[Sound clips of pessimistic 'commentary' from Knightmare, e.g. Treguard discussing a losing team; in particular, soundbites which seem football-related, like Treguard telling Simon's team in S4 that manoeuvring wasn't their strong point, or Lord Fear saying, "two-nil I think" when Team 2 of Series 7 dies.]

It's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming  
Knightmare's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming  
Knightmare's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming  
Knightmare's coming home...

Everyone seems to know the gore  
They've seen it all before  
They just know, they're so sure  
That Knightmare won't come back on TV  
Won't be on DVD  
I mean 'out legally'  
But I remember

Three levels in the game  
Hugo Myatt staring  
Fridays aren't the same  
Never stopped me caring

So many blades, so many spears  
And losing dungeoneers  
Wore you down through the years  
But I still see the food on the ground  
And when Ben won the Crown  
Hear the spellcasting sound  
And Barry's talking

Three levels in the game  
Hugo Myatt staring  
Twenty years of fame  
Nothing stopped me caring

[Uplifting audio clips, e.g. Treguard/Merlin/Pickle praising a successful team.]

I know that was then  
But it could be again

It's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming  
Knightmare's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming  
Knightmare's coming home  
It's coming home  
It's coming home...

[etc.]


	65. Parkmare (based on Parklife)

_Based on Parklife by Blur._

"Adoration is a preference for the habitual  
voyeur of what is known as..."  
Knightmare  
"And dull childhood can be avoided if you take  
a route straight through what is known as..."  
Knightmare  
"Pickle's got pointy ears, he gets intimidated by  
the dirty goblins, they love a bit of it!"  
Knightmare  
"Who's that ogre marching? You should cut down on  
your clubbing, mate, get some exercise!"

All the people  
So many people  
They all go helm on head  
Helm on head through their  
Knightmare

"Know what I mean?"

"I get up when I want, except on Fridays when I get rudely awakened by the genie."  
Knightmare  
"I put my jerkin on, have a cup of mead and I think about whetting the sword."  
Knightmare  
"I feed the dwarves, I sometimes feed the ogres too, it gives me a sense of enormous wellbeing."  
Knightmare  
"And then I'm ready for the quest of the day, safe in the knowledge  
there will always be a bit of my heart devoted to it."

All the people  
So many people  
They all go helm on head  
Helm on head through their  
Knightmare

"It's got nothing to do with Children's BBC you know.  
And it's not about you Blue Peter presenters, who go on and on and on..."

All the people  
So many people  
They all go helm on head  
Helm on head through their  
Knightmare...


	66. The Crown of Malice

_Based on A Town Called Malice by The Jam. This one is about Team 6 of Series 4 (dungeoneer: Dickon), who thwarted the sorceress Malice and won the Crown._

Better stop dreaming of the painted rooms  
'Cos it's a time we'll never know  
And quit looking for that runaway cart  
'Cos those rosy days are through  
And stop apologising that this isn't Series 3  
'Cos time is short and life is cruel  
But it's up to us to take  
The Crown of Malice

Tubes and jars of coloured potions  
Sit waiting in the wizard's yard  
And a monk fresh from a tavern  
Clutching the green brandy to his heart  
Turning to a scaly lizard down on Level Two  
It's enough to make you keep believing  
When fears come fast and furious  
Of the Crown of Malice

Struggle after struggle, day after day  
The atmosphere's a fine blend of pink  
I'm down to Life Force Red  
For the Crown of Malice

A whole team's belief that Dickon's the chief  
Comes true within the Dungeon  
Because I got past the blades and the Dungeon maids  
It's a big advancement to the Crown of Malice

Duress of a sorceress is on my back  
She's at the moment set on my end  
Then FIRE takes her down  
Poison pours and Weeping Doors  
Three levels in the bag  
I could tell this to others and I probably will  
'Cause I want them all to know we  
Got the Crown of Malice


	67. Lissard (based on Hazard)

_In a reversal of the song Hazard by Richard Marx, the singer protests that he _is_ responsible for a disappearance._

I first met up with Lissard before Series Seven  
Even then the goblin gangs said with prejudiced tuts  
"You'll hate his guts"  
Over the years as I got to know Lissard  
Made sure I took a look beyond the rumours and the breath  
But still I wished him death  
We used to walk along the sewers  
He loved to eat the cleaner fish  
We used to walk along the sewers  
I'd wish him gone, oh, how I'd wish

No one understood how I hated Lissard  
No one cared despite the night we went out walking alone  
And he never came home  
No men with wands came knocking next morning  
No one cared enough to be pointing fingers right at me  
Why could they not see?

I swear I pushed him in the sewers  
I swear he isn't safe and sound  
He won't have swum back to Atlantis  
Because his hands and feet were bound

I think about my life gone by  
And how it's done me wrong  
But there's relief for me this time  
Now that that tuna breath's gone, long gone

I swear I pushed him in the sewers  
I swear he isn't safe and sound  
He won't have swum back to Atlantis  
Because his hands and feet were bound


	68. Ooh Nasty (based on Who Are You?)

_This parody is about Team 11 of Series 3 (dungeoneer: Martin), who quested for the Cup and were stopped by Morghanna in Level 3. Based upon Who Are You? (a.k.a. the CSI theme song) by The Who._

Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh

I walked in through a Dungeon doorway  
A wizard knew my name  
He said, "You can go sleep at home tonight  
If the quest object you can reclaim"  
I staggered on through the underground  
And the helmet sat on my head  
I remember takin' sidesteps around  
And keepin' Life Force fed

Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
(What a pity, never mind)  
Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
[Repeated several times]

I took a mine cart down the track  
Right down to Level Three  
I stood and listened to the guiding words  
Of Darren, Jamie, Lee  
I stepped forth and I sidestepped  
And looked back on my busy day  
So many hours on the blue screen  
How I hope that we can win our way

Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
(What a pity, never mind)  
Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
[Repeated several times]  
[Repeated several more times]

I know there's a place I walked  
Where Owen gave no spell  
I'd collected up the broken Cup  
But then Morghanna gave me hell  
My head burned like a fireplace  
The end was within reach  
But I no longer am a dungeoneer now  
As old Treguard makes his speech

Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
(What a pity, never mind)  
Ooh nasty  
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh  
[Repeated several times]


	69. Call One (based on Call Me)

_Malice and Hordriss sing about calling name procedure. Based on Call Me by Blondie._

Welcome to my chamber, young one  
Can we strike a deal?  
Say that you will help me, young one  
And you'll get a shield  
While you seek a gem for me  
Keep this in your memory

Call me (Merris), do not mime  
Call me loudly, clearly and three times  
Call me (call me), my child  
You can call me while the bells don't chime  
Call me

Speak to one with adulation  
Honour one with love  
Shower one with compliments  
One never gets enough  
So that we may spread one's fame  
Know you now one's calling name

Call one (call one) with tact  
Call one firmly, three times, "Malefact"  
Call one (call one) in that way  
For one does not shirk an honoured pact  
Call one

Do-oo-oo-oo-oo, you speak more languages than one?  
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, chiamami, chiamami  
Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo, appelle-moi mon enfant, appelle-moi  
Anytime, anyplace, anywhere you may be  
Though I rather expect it will be Level Three

Call me (call me), do not mime  
Call me loudly, clearly and three times  
Call me (call me) for my book  
Or some other trinket others took  
Call me (call me) into hell  
And I'll furnish you with magic spells  
Call me (call one), call me, for a deal's a deal and that's no lie  
Call one (call one), do not mime  
Call one loudly, clearly and three times  
Call one (call one)  
Oh, call one, oo-hoo-hah  
Call one (call me), do not mime  
Call me loudly, clearly and three times...


	70. Locks and Casper (from Rock the Casbah)

_This one is about Series 1-2's talking key, Casper. Based on Rock the Casbah by the Clash._

Said Merlin to Treguard  
"You have to take a gift from me  
To enter your castle now  
You must use my talking key"  
The wizard donned his walking boots  
He went a-walkin' to the town  
The key he found abandoned  
In a dunghill upside-down

The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper  
The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper

By order of the wizard  
The key must stay in use  
When Treguard tried to drop it  
It assailed him with abuse  
But a sorcerer he summoned for an anti-Casper spell  
The local friendly blacksmith made a fire hot as hell  
As soon as old Merlin's back was turned  
The key began to burn

The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper  
The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper

Now in the Opposition  
Oh, there was a Lord called Fear  
He thought it sounded cool  
This speaking key idea  
So he cut his own Casper  
Then he realised his mistake  
It took half a minute  
For that Casper to break

The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper  
The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper

The wizard read his magic books  
It seemed his nature had turned fay  
For he made a thousand Caspers and  
Named it 'Casper Day'  
As soon as the wizard had finished every key  
The Dungeon Master took half, and melted them with glee  
The other half were taken in Opposition raids  
And turned into blades

The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper  
The chief don't like it  
Lockin' and Casper  
Locks and Casper...


	71. As Blades Go By (from As Time Goes By)

_Based on As Time Goes By from the film Casablanca._

You must remember this  
DISMISS is still DISMISS  
It's Treguard saying bye  
The detrimental things apply  
As blades go by

And Series 4 Team 2  
The first ones to go through  
Not knowing that they'd die  
But danger's what the Dungeon brings  
As blades go by

Blades in the corridor  
Never out of date  
Screams of advisors  
Team 2 Series 8  
Watchers look on, directions come too late  
Then Treguard says goodbye

It really can get gory  
The game of luck and glory  
A case of do or die  
The Watchers always welcome Knightmare  
As blades go by*

_[*Series 8 Short Cuts not included.]_


	72. Nothing's Gonna Chop Us Now

_Here come the thoughts of an advisor who is determined that his team won't fall foul of the Corridor of Blades - or any other obstacle. Based on Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship._

Lookin' in your eyes I think about the prize  
This realm that we've found is too good just to watch  
Want us to be right there, want to be on Knightmare  
Pursuing a quest that I know we won't botch

Let 'em say we're crazy, I don't care about that  
Put the Helm on your head, matey, don't ever turn back  
Let the world around us just fall apart  
Matey, we can make it if we're heart-to-heart

And we can win this game together  
Standing strong forever  
Nothing's gonna chop us now  
And if the Causeway starts to crumble  
We won't take a tumble  
Nothing's gonna drop us, nothing's gonna chop us now, whoa no

I'm so glad to guide you, I'm not gonna lose you  
Whatever it takes, I will give help to you  
Take you to the good guys, see you past the bad guys  
Whatever it takes is what we're gonna do

Let 'em say we're crazy, what do they know?  
Hold on to the eye shield, matey, don't ever let go  
Let the world around us just fall apart  
Matey, we can make it if we're heart-to-heart

And we can win this game together  
Standing strong forever  
Nothing's gonna chop us now  
And if the wall becomes a blocker  
It won't be a shocker  
Nothing's gonna block us, nothing's gonna chop us...


	73. Autumn of '89 (based on Summer of '69)

_This song parody is about Quest 4 of Series 3 (dungeoneer: Ross). Based on Summer of '69 by Bryan Adams._

I got my first real helmet  
Hoped to wear it for some time  
Treguard put it on my head  
It was the autumn of '89

Me and some guys from school  
Had a team and we tried real hard  
Gavin Twigg, Fu Wang and Sharsad  
I said, "ya know, we're gonna get far"

Oh when I look back now  
That autumn seemed to last forever  
And if I had the choice  
Yeah, I'd always wanna be there  
Those were the quest days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'  
While the Greater Game is played  
Rolled a die, entered a portal  
And then I met the maid

Standin' on a trapdoor floor  
She told me that I'd won her favour  
Oh and when she fell right down  
I wondered if I had to save 'er  
Those were the quest days of my life

Back in the autumn of '89

Man we were doin' well  
We were clever questors  
We knew when to dispel  
I guess nothin' can last forever, forever, no

And then the times got harder  
Met Morghanna and her axe was strong  
Sometimes when I'm watching my Knightmares  
I think of Melly, wonder what went wrong

Standin' on a trapdoor floor  
She told me that I'd won her favour  
Oh and when she fell right down  
I wondered if I had to save 'er  
Those were the quest days of my life

Back in the autumn of '89


	74. You Don't Have To Slay A Goblin

_Lord Fear is explaining what he expects of Lissard. Based on You Don't Have To Say You Love Me by Dusty Springfield._

When I said I needed you  
Didn't know you'd look like this  
You are a slimy seneschal  
And my, you stink of fish  
Don't you see that now you're here  
In the employ of Lord Fear  
That you have to follow me  
And grant my every wish

You don't have to slay a goblin  
Just be mean to Hands  
You don't have to stay forever  
Two years would be grand  
Believe me, believe me  
I can't help but loathe you  
Don't deceive me  
Or Hands will tie you down

Here in my Pool of Veracity  
Misbehave and I will see  
So obey my orders and  
Of course suck up to me

You don't have to slay a goblin  
Just be mean to Hands  
You don't have to stay forever  
Two years would be grand  
Believe me, believe me...


	75. Hordriss the Great

_Hordriss decides it's time that the true scale of his achievements is known, so he rounds up the folk of the Dungeon and has them sing the following. Based on the Stonecutters' song from The Simpsons episode Homer the Great._

Who helped Dickon win the Crown?  
Who shut the realm of Mogdred down?  
Hordriss! Hordriss!  
Who freed Elita from the box?  
Who let Gundrada out the stocks?  
Hordriss! Hordriss!  
Who fills clue rooms with golden bars?  
Who made that Barry Thorne a star?  
Hordriss! Hordriss!  
Who saves Treguard from his plight?  
Who turns children into knights?  
Hordriss! Hordriiiiiss!


	76. Why was there a Samurai?

_Ever wondered what on earth that samurai in Knightmare Series 6 was about? Well, so has Sylvester Hands. Based on Ebeneezer Goode by The Shamen._

[HORDRISS:]  
A great philosopher once wrote...

[TREGUARD:]  
Nasty nasty, very nasty

[SKARKILL:]  
Ha ha ha ha ha

[SYLVESTER HANDS:]  
There's a guy in the place  
He's got a mask on his face  
And he goes by the title of The Samurai  
His friends call him Sammy and his acting's so hammy  
And he'll hang about the place though nobody knows why  
When he's there, I declare, he makes me feel scared  
Though very much maligned and misunderstood  
But though he looks muzzled I'm the one who's puzzled  
I wish I knew why we got a samurai  
You can see that he's mischievious, mysterious and devious  
When he brandishes his sword while floating in the air  
But once you know he's just a spectre of a magic spell  
You stop and sit and ask yourself, "Well, why's he even there?"  
Casting and dispelling, casting and dispelling  
Sammy he is jammy and loves to muscle in  
Stirring up a schism he's a mad anachronism  
Does he really have a purpose, what the heck's he doin'?

How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
Was there a samurai?

[SKARKILL:]  
Has anybody got any victims?  
Lovely  
Ha ha ha ha ha  
Ha ha ha ha ha

[HORDRISS:]  
A great philosopher once wrote...

[TREGUARD:]  
Nasty nasty, very nasty

[SKARKILL:]  
Ha ha ha ha ha

[HANDS:]  
I'm Sylvester Hands, leading light of the scene  
Know what I mean, see  
I created the vibe  
I may not be a mage but at least I engage  
The people who meet me, they know I'm alive  
And Mr. Samurai, such a scary guy  
When he's there, you know. But is it a show?  
Though he only came twice it was not very nice  
You see him in the air with a funny "Uh-oh"  
A gentleman of Nippon, you won't catch him kippin'  
And he's here on this address card so you'd think he's the best  
Extraordinary fellow, I never heard him bellow  
Never saw him in the flesh in any actual quest  
When you're in town and Mr. Samurai's around  
You can sense a presence in the sound of the crowd  
There's only one question, so here's my suggestion  
That when you see old Sammy it's time to shout loud

How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?

Was there a samurai?  
Was there a samurai?  
How or why, how or why  
How or why, how or why  
Was there a samurai?

Got any sushi? Sorted

[SKARKILL:]  
Ha ha ha ha ha  
Ha ha ha ha ha...


	77. Smells Like Green Spirit

_Pookas. Based on Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana._

Put on the Helm and bring your friends  
It's fun to quest and to pretend  
I think you should pick up some goods  
And make your way into the woods

Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on

In the forest, there's a spirit  
Green and floaty, do you hear it?  
Is it friendly? Should you fear it?  
It's a pooka, are you near it?  
Not a haunting  
But it's daunting  
It's a sprite there  
And it might scare  
Yay  
Hey  
Yay

I get to watch while you quest  
And for this gift I feel blessed  
The little team has always been  
And always will until the end

Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on

In the ruins, there's a spirit  
Green and floaty, do you hear it?  
Is it friendly? Should you fear it?  
It's a pooka, are you near it?  
Not a haunting  
But it's daunting  
It's a sprite there  
And it might scare  
Yay  
Hey  
Yay

And one team found a pooka, Puck  
They learned his name, he brought them luck  
But pookas now, they're hard to find  
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on, game on  
Come on, come on, come on

In the Dungeon, there's a spirit  
Green and floaty, do you hear it?  
Is it friendly? Should you fear it?  
It's a pooka, are you near it?  
Not a haunting  
But it's daunting  
It's a sprite there  
And it might scare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare  
It's on Knightmare!


	78. Sitting in the Stocks (Living in a Box)

_Merlin sings about what he was up to during certain Series 4 quests. Based on Living in a Box by Living in a Box._

Woke up this morning  
Closed in round my feet  
Helen's questing  
She shows compassion  
As I open my eyes  
I was testing  
I've found a way to get  
Many dungeoneers' aid  
Let Gundrada try it too  
And the maid

Am I sitting in the stocks  
Am I sitting in a set of stocks  
Am I sitting in the stocks  
Am I sitting in a set of stocks  
Am I sitting in the stocks

Life goes in circles  
Around and around  
Circulating  
Seven quests later  
I'm asking Giles for help  
With escaping  
I've found a way to get  
Many dungeoneers' aid  
Let Gundrada try it too  
And that maid

Am I sitting in the stocks  
Am I sitting in a set of stocks  
Am I sitting in the stocks  
Am I sitting in a set of stocks  
Am I sitting in the stocks...


	79. Walk the Mines of Gore

_A song about the final parts of the Team 4's winning quest in Series 6 (dungeoneer: Ben). Based on Walk the Dinosaur by Was (Not Was)._

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom  
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom  
[ x 6]

It was a day like this back in 1992  
Entered a spider's lair, picked up an astrolabe to go  
The captain he was grateful, he wanted to thank me  
He summoned up the wind, and I got to Level Three  
And walked the Mines of Gore, thanks, Captain Nemanor

Open the door, get on the floor  
Everybody walk the Mines of Gore  
[x 4]

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom  
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom  
[x 2]

I went into a cave, conjured Hordriss with a TRICK  
He had to be my slave, and then he helped me out quick  
That day I had a sorcerer right there at my behest  
We sent him back, I stayed awake and got on with the quest  
And walked the Mines of Gore, I walked the Mines of Gore

Open the door, get on the floor  
Everybody walk the Mines of Gore  
[x 4]

A villain on a ledge, smug enough to be Lord Fear  
A flying splashing noise sweeter than I'll ever hear  
I knew I had to take the crown, and linger there no more  
Suddenly a crucial dash down a dwarvish corridor  
I left the Mines of Gore, I left the Mines of Gore

Open the door, get on the floor  
Everybody leave the Mines of Gore  
[ x 4]

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom  
Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom...


	80. Spindizzy (based on Dizzy)

_This one is about Knightmare Series 3's revolving disc, which was known as the spindizzy. Based on Dizzy by Tommy Roe._

Dizzy  
I'm so dizzy, this disc is spinnin'  
Like a whirlpool, it never ends  
Is it Hugo makin' it spin?  
I'm on the spindizzy

When I finished Level One  
I knew I had to climb into the well  
I didn't know how deep it was  
But in I got and down and down I fell  
Really seemed like quite a risk  
But now I'm on a spinnin' disc  
I'm goin' around in circles at this time

Dizzy  
I'm so dizzy, this disc is spinnin'  
Like a whirlpool, it never ends  
Is it Hugo makin' it spin?  
I'm on the spindizzy

I'd finally got to Level Two  
And I stood and wondered what would be my fate  
Would somebody rescue me  
Or was I doomed forever to rotate?  
Disc, you've got control of me  
'Cause I'm so dizzy and can't see  
I need to call my teammates for some help

Dizzy  
I'm so dizzy, this disc is spinnin'  
Like a whirlpool, it never ends  
Is it Hugo makin' it spin?  
I'm on the spindizzy...


	81. La Chamba (based on La Bamba)

_Based on La Bamba, as popularised by Ritchie Valens._

An an an antechamber  
An an an antechamber  
Is necessary for friends of the quester  
For the friends of the quester they sit in here  
The Helmet the Helmet  
Oh the Helmet the Helmet for dungeoneer  
For dungeoneer  
For dungeoneer

He no see where he going  
He no see where he going, so help him out  
So help him out  
So help him out

Antechamber  
Antechamber  
Antechamber  
Ah...


	82. Pillory (from Steve Winwood's Valerie)

_Based on Valerie by Steve Winwood._

Wooden, standing there  
With their hands in your care  
I can't help remember  
Just how you held them  
It's the device  
That they despise

So old, you were used  
In most quests of Series 4  
But now you're abused  
People say you're a bore  
Now you do them no harm  
Locking no heads or arms

Pillory, on TV  
On TV, pillory  
So unseemly  
You constrain them, they cannot flee

Fidjit, was in once  
And Ridolfo was too  
Motley went in twice  
Gundrada as well  
Her hands hung there  
Here on Knightmare

Each time dungeoneers  
Gave help to set them free  
Questing, beating fears  
Showing their chivalry  
Oh but here is the shock  
It is not called the stocks!

Pillory, on TV  
On TV, pillory  
So unseemly  
You constrain them, they cannot flee...


	83. We Will Block You

_This reworking is about Quest 7 of Series 5 (dungeoneer: Christopher). Based on We Will Rock You by Queen._

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise  
Questing in the room gonna buy a big spell today  
You got jewel in the ice  
You need advice  
Casting your spell won't be very nice  
Because

We will, we will, shock you  
We will, we will, shock you

Buddy you're a goblin, cast-locked  
Squeaking in the room gonna have to remain that way  
You gone green in the face  
You big disgrace  
Pleading your innocence to Brother Mace

We will, we will, mock you, sing it  
We will, we will, mock you

Buddy you're an dead boy, poor boy  
Standing at the wall you're not gonna get past today  
It's got bricks in a face  
You big disgrace  
There's no way that you're gonna get outta this place

We will, we will, block you, sing it  
We will, we will, block you, everybody  
We will, we will, block you  
We will, we will, block you, alright


	84. Darn Helm on Higher (Magic Potion)

_Although Ben, Team 4's dungeoneer in Series 5, had what it took to complete Level 3, he always wished that he could reposition the Helmet of Justice so it wasn't over his eyes. Based on St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr._

Going down, 'til they see it's winter through the wall  
Door is locked, casting SESAME will solve it all  
Just as it gets so cold I'd be in pain  
I find I'm in a cloak, but the Helm's not changed  
Play the game, I know I can't quit until it's won  
Soldier on, only I can do what must be done  
And so I head across a snowy field  
I am a dungeoneer and I'm after the Shield

I can hear the Queen Aesandre underneath the winter sky  
I can hear her telling me: "Fight fire with fire"  
I don't need a magic potion, all I need is a pair of spells  
Though I'd like the chance to put this darn Helm on higher

Life Force Red, don't know just how far that I can go (just how far I go)  
Soon be home, leaving far behind the frozen foe  
I can make it, I know I can  
I'll get a trophy then, and a kiss from my gran

I can hear the Queen Aesandre underneath the winter sky  
I can hear her telling me: "Fight fire with fire"  
I don't need a magic potion, all I need is a pair of spells  
Though I'd like the chance to put this darn Helm on higher

I can cross the wildest forest, pass the oldest tree  
Though I want the Helm on higher so I can see, so I can see

Just once in his life a man has his time  
And my time is now, I know this will rhyme

I can hear the music playing, and I know I didn't die  
I am a Knightmare winner, hope ridin' high  
I don't need a magic potion, all I need is a pair of spells  
Though I'd like the chance to put this darn Helm on higher

I can hear the Queen Aesandre underneath the winter sky  
I can hear her telling me: "Fight fire with fire"  
I don't need a magic potion, all I need is a pair of spells  
Though I'd like the chance to put this darn Helm on higher

I can cross the wildest forest, pass the oldest tree  
Though I want the Helm on higher so I can see, so I can see  
So I, so I can see, want to raise it higher  
Oooh, higher so I can see... [to fade]


	85. These Teams (based on These Dreams)

_Based on These Dreams by Heart._

Simon raised a candle  
During Series Three  
Spell called DASH got Giles  
Moving in the trees  
Wild blades were spinning  
Some cut and some missed  
While we millions kept watch over  
These teams in the list

Darkness brought a threat  
David can't withstand  
Matt used SAMURAI  
On a man known as Hands  
I want them to win clearly  
Or I'd boo and hiss  
And what I remember  
Are the teams in the list

These teams go on and they seek a prize  
Every series, One to Eight, they try to stay alive  
These teams that quest when it's cold outside  
Every moment on the screen, a Knightmare and a dream

Richard took a dagger  
Jericho wouldn't fall  
And Martin's head got zapped  
Through a stained glass wall  
In Medusa's eyesight  
Was Leo saved by GRIP  
And Alex used a BAG  
To catch Elita's lips

These teams go on and they seek a prize  
Every series, One to Eight, they try to stay alive  
These teams that quest when it's cold outside  
Every moment on the screen, a Knightmare and a dream

There's something in there  
They can't resist  
They cannot hide away from the strain  
They go on Knightmare  
'Til they're dismissed

The cruellest laugh is Mogdred's  
Tony ever heard  
Simon's sidestep feat  
Is ceaseless in bringing mirth  
In a Dungeon of dangers  
Victory is bliss  
But the Helm hides one face  
Of teams in the list

These teams go on and they seek a prize  
Every series, One to Eight, they try to stay alive  
These teams that quest when it's cold outside  
Every moment on the screen, a Knightmare and a dream...


	86. Freezer Was The First Spell-Oh

_Based on For He's a Jolly Good Fellow._

FREEZER was the first spell, oh  
FREEZER was the first spell, oh  
FREEZER was the first spell, oh  
Cast on a Knightmare quest  
Cast on a Knightmare quest  
Cast on a Knightmare quest  
FREEZER was the first spell, oh  
FREEZER was the first spell, oh  
FREEZER was the first spell, ohhh...  
Unless you count DISMISS!


	87. U Can't Shut This

_The dungeoneer of Series 7's 7th team, Barry Thorne, was famously talkative. Based on U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer._

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this

My, my, my, my mouth don't make me a slob  
Makes me say, "Oh my gob"  
Thank you for blessing me  
With a helm to wear and two hyped feet  
It feels good, when you know you're there  
A super dope homeboy in a Knightmare  
And I'm known as such  
And I have a mouth, uh, you can't shut

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this

I don't do things by half  
I do them in quarters when I gotta get a staff  
So move, outta your seat  
And give a firestone now your staff's complete  
While I'm flying, hold on  
Chat a little bit and let 'em know it's going on  
Like that, like that  
Back to a mission so walk the back  
Now you know, I talk too much  
And this is a mouth, uh, you can't shut

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this

Got me a boot, and potion  
Make 'em chat, with all my emotion  
Now, they know  
When you talk about Barry you talk about a show  
That's hyped, and tight  
Sidriss is fretting, her pa's gone on strike  
In a pub, with me  
What it's gonna take for the wizard to see  
The truth? REVEAL  
Either talk hard or you might as well keel

That's the word because you know..

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this

Break it down!

Troll... Hammer time!

Go into Goth, it is said  
That if you can't fight the Fear then you probably are dead  
So put your potion to the test  
Have a few gulps, run fast backward through your quest  
This is it, for a winner  
Got the shield, now I'm gonna get dinner  
I'm a smartrump  
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump, bump

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this

Break it down!

Troll... Hammer time!

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this

Break it down!

Troll... Hammer time!

Every time you see me  
It's Barry's Dungeon hype  
I'm best on the quest even if I'm talking tripe  
Now why would I ever stop doing that?  
With others dungeoneering who just don't chat  
I've toured around the realm, from Dunshelm to Angar  
It's "Barry, go Barry, love ya Barry, yo Barry"  
And the quest made me a star

You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this  
You can't shut this


	88. The Chamber's Mined (The Girl Is Mine)

_Based on The Girl Is Mine by Michael Jackson (featuring Paul McCartney)._

Every time they walk right in the room  
And the flame begins to start  
They shout loud because they're worried that  
They could soon be blown apart

The chamber's mined  
The Dungeon chamber's mined  
I know it's mined  
Because the Dungeon chamber's mined

I don't understand how way the flame  
Sometimes lingers on the fuse  
It's as if it's being generous  
So the team does not yet lose

Because it's mined  
The Dungeon chamber's mined  
Don't waste your time  
Because the Dungeon chamber's mined

They're watching on the screens  
(Questing anywhere)

As you're blown to smithereens  
(Losing they will share)

So come and watch as they  
Go in the room

And they might enter daunted  
Then die without a gauntlet  
And by classmates be taunted  
Then by bomb rooms be haunted and haunted

Don't build your hopes to be let down  
Be the quest for Crown or Cup

You see they might not make it out of there  
'Cause the bomb might blow them up

Because it's mined  
The Dungeon chamber's mined  
Don't waste your time  
Because the Dungeon chamber's mined

It's mined, it's mined  
Yes yes yes, it's mined  
The chamber's mined, the chamber's mined  
The chamber's mined, the chamber's mined

The chamber's mined, yep it's mined  
The chamber's mined, yep it's mined

Don't waste your time  
Because the Dungeon chamber's mined  
The chamber's mined, the chamber's mined

[Martin, Series 2 dungeoneer:]  
Douglas, we're not going to fight about this, OK?

[Douglas, Series 3 dungeoneer:]  
Martin, I think I told you, I'm a loser not a fighter

[Martin:]  
I've heard it all before, Douglas, they told me that I'm their forever  
bomb room victim, you know, don't you remember?

[Douglas:]  
Well, after exploding me, they said they couldn't explode another

[Paul:]  
Is that what they said?

[Douglas:]  
Yes, they said it, you keep dreaming

[Danny, Series 1 dungeoneer:]  
I don't believe it

[Douglas, Martin, Danny:]  
The chamber's mined (mined, mined, mined)...


	89. Parody for Whoever (Song for Whoever)

_Based on Song for Whoever by The Beautiful South._

[Motley:]  
I love you from the head atop my jester stick  
I love you in the songs I write and sing  
Love you because you listen when I take the mick  
Although when you slap and zap me, it don't 'alf sting

[Mellisandre:]  
Cheap, ever cheap  
His chat-up lines put me to sleep

[Motley:]  
I've no need to spellcast CREEP  
It comes naturally  
Oh Sidriss, Oh Maldame, Morghanna, Morgaine  
I flirted with so many of you  
I forget your name (I forget your name)

Gwendoline, Mellisan-dre, Velda too  
Anyone female would do  
Oracle, Brangwen Shee, Mrs. G. too

[Treguard:]  
Nasty preceded by ooh

[Motley:]  
I forget your name

I love you from the bell-end of my liripipe  
I love the way you sometimes bear my jest  
I'd love to see you fall hopelessly for my hype  
And I'd love you till you let me bare my chest

[Gretel:]  
Leap, just leap  
Into a pit or ocean deep  
If you don't leave me be I'll weep  
I'll cry, Motley, cry

Aesandre, oh Heggatty, and Peggatty, you too  
I think I'm suave and funny, am I a joke to you?  
Am I a joke to you?

Gwendoline, Mellisan-dre, Velda too  
Anyone female would do  
Oracle, Brangwen Shee, Mrs. G. too

[Treguard:]  
Nasty preceded by ooh

[Motley:]  
Aesandre, oh Heggatty, and Peggatty, you too  
I think I'm suave and funny, am I a joke to you?  
Am I a joke to you?

Gwendoline, Mellisan-dre, Velda too  
Anyone female would do  
(Am I a joke to you?)  
Oracle, Brangwen Shee, Mrs. G. too

[Treguard:]  
Nasty preceded by ooh  
By ooh, by ooh

[Motley:]  
Am I a joke to you?

[Girls:]  
We'd rather have McGrew


	90. Honesty Bartram's Grating

_This one is about the character Honesty Bartram from Knightmare Series 8. Based on Robert De Niro's Waiting by Bananarama._

Knightmare Series Eight  
Might leave you quite impressed  
The CGI's great  
And it's in every quest

But watching the show can become a bad dream  
Whenever Bartram encounters a team  
If Scaramonger and Ah Wok come back  
Hope they'll see Bartram, take clubs and attack

Honesty Bartram's grating  
Talking to Daniel  
Honesty Bartram's grating  
Talking to Daniel  
Honesty Bartram's grating  
Talking to Nathan  
(Talking to Nathan)  
Honesty Bartram's grating

I don't like your beard  
Nor do I like your hat  
And your name suggests  
To me that you're a prat

Your gestures, your patter, they irritate me  
Watching you is, like your potion, risky  
Don't try to charm me, you're wasting your time  
I'd tell me dad that your acting's a crime

Honesty Bartram's grating  
Talking to Daniel  
Honesty Bartram's grating  
Talking to Daniel  
Honesty Bartram's grating  
Talking to Nathan  
(Talking to Nathan)  
Honesty Bartram's grating...


	91. Bimboid, Wizard (from Pinball Wizard)

_During Quest 3 of Series 8 (dungeoneer: Nathan), Lord Fear created the Bimboid: a replica of Sidriss designed to fool and kill Sidriss' father Hordriss. This is what happened. Based on Pinball Wizard by The Who._

Back when I was a young boy  
I heeded Tommy Boyd  
I drew living room curtains  
And Knightmare I enjoyed  
But a certain technomancer  
He got me quite annoyed  
That dastardly Lord Fear  
Sure makes a mean Bimboid!

It stands like a statue  
It's a skeletal machine  
Showing its obedience  
In a spyglass scene  
Ordered to kill Hordriss  
Oh no, he'll be destroyed  
Won't somebody warn him  
Here comes a mean Bimboid!

It's a Bimboid, wizard  
It's gonna kill you  
A Bimboid, wizard  
Unless you see it true

Who do you think will warn him?  
(I don't know!)  
Nathan it should be

Ain't got no distractions  
Has magic energy  
It looks a lot like Sidriss:  
Iona Kennedy  
Lord Fear's made it evil  
With its mind he's toyed  
A dead, dumb assassin's  
Also a mean Bimboid

I thought I saw  
A black gigantic cat  
But it's just Hordriss  
The Bimboid's not here yet

Then they find it at the trapdoor  
Waiting with a knife  
Nathan's teammates tip him off  
And he saves Hordriss' life  
He reveals it and destroys it  
I was overjoyed  
That pompous old wizard  
Sure saw off that Bimboid!


	92. Dungeon Quest (based on Country Life)

_This one is about Quest 4 of Series 3 (dungeoneer: Leo). Based on Country Life by Blur._

(So the story begins)  
Bromley dweller  
Successful fella  
Said to his friends  
"Hey, Matthew and James and Simon,  
Let's go on Knightmare  
In Series Three."  
And he meets Melly and Merlin  
While the quest's unfurling  
Tells Motley a joke and it's an oyster, no pearl in  
Fluffed it in the level's anxiety  
Yes, it's Level Two  
And Leo's through (so simple)

He went on a quest  
A very big quest  
In the Dungeon  
Watching Challenge for repeats  
Hordriss he defeats  
In the Dungeon  
He has all manner of spells  
And climbs in one or two wells  
In the Dungeon  
You're not supposed to take arms  
Even if you've qualms  
In the Dungeon

He's got Mogdred's GLORY and life's a different story  
Listening to Treguard's oratory  
Dispelled a SWORD then ENERGY  
He's shaking Stardust, trying his hardest  
Needs a helping hand, that window's not at all bland  
Oh, if he'd just said, "Avebury"  
Wasn't faint at heart  
Rode that cart (down the mine tracks)

He went on a quest  
A very big quest  
In the Dungeon  
It was in search of the Cup  
He did well then messed it up  
In the Dungeon  
He doesn't drink, smoke, laugh  
Takes the wrong path  
In the Dungeon  
You should come to no harm  
With good knowledge and charm  
In the Dungeon  
In the Dungeon  
In the Dungeon  
In the Dun-ge-o-on

The largest ring on English ground? I don't know where  
The largest ring on English ground? I don't know where


	93. Hall of Choice (from You're The Voice)

_This one is about the room that came at the beginning of every quest in Series 6. Based on You're The Voice by John Farnham._

Each Se-ries Six team starts with a decision  
They can seek what they want to seek  
They gotta make their choice, out of a whole four missions

They can choose the Sword or  
The Cup, Shield or Crown  
But hooow can Sophia's team choose it  
When it's only just been found?

Hall of Choice, not for hun or bandit  
It is for the dungeoneer  
Oh-o-o-o, whoa-o-o-o  
If they get a hand from Hordriss  
Then they're gonna beat Lord Fear  
Oh-wo-wo-wo, whoa-o-o-o

This time, we know they're free to stand where they may  
With four symbols it's all up to them  
And each one means a different doorway

They can choose the Sword or  
The Cup, Shield or Crown  
But hooow can Sophia's team choose it  
When it's only just been found?

Hall of Choice, not for hun or bandit  
It is for the dungeoneer  
Oh-o-o-o, whoa-o-o-o  
If they get a hand from Hordriss  
Then they're gonna beat Lord Fear  
Oh-wo-wo-wo, whoa-o-o-o...


	94. Dungeoneers (based on Gummi Bears)

_The following parody features every dungeoneer name. Based on the theme song of the TV series Gummi Bears._

Jeremy, Kelly, Richard, January  
Cliff, Stuart, Jenna, Scott, Kathryn, Mark, Claire  
Douglas and Duncan and Dickon and Dunstan  
Oliver, Ben, Alex, Matt, Alistair

Dungeoneers  
Questing everywhere and there and here  
Julie, Gavin, Leo and Sophia  
They are the dungeoneers

Julian, Barry, Ross, Akash Ram-Tarrey  
Summayya, Maeve, Sarah, Rebecca, Martin too  
Neil, Chris, Helen, Nicky, Karen, Tony, Vicky  
James, Naila, Nathan, Alan, Simons - a few

Dungeoneers  
Questing everywhere and there and here  
David, Michael, Daniel and Sophia  
They are the dungeoneers  
They are the dungeoneers!


	95. The Hun and Lonely (The One and Only)

_Michael Cule played both Brother Mace and Fatilla the Hun in Series 4 of Knightmare. This parody imagines him voicing an objection to the latter role. Based on The One and Only by Chesney Hawkes._

I am the Hun and lonely  
(Oh yeah)

Cule, me  
Fool be 'cause I'm lamer  
Stall me 'cause I'm dumber  
While I'm Fatilla  
I hate his scenes because they feel like filler  
And yeah  
It's great to be in Knightmare  
But this part's a sham  
Don't tell me you know best  
It is the same in every quest

I am the Hun and lonely  
Just wanna be Brother Mace  
I am the Hun and lonely  
Get this moustache off my face

I've been the Player heard when Mace laughed  
A Vogon on a spacecraft  
Now I'm stuck blopping  
Hinting that I eat sheep droppings  
Black-cloaked assassination,  
Green bran-dy transformation,  
Next year - I say with emphasis -  
I will play any role but this!

I am the Hun and lonely  
Just wanna be Brother Mace  
I am the Hun and lonely  
Get this moustache off my face

I can't wear this uniform  
On Watchers' cathode ray tubes  
Because it doesn't fit that well  
They may think I have man boobs

Next year, I'll be your acting pillar  
If I don't play Fatilla  
Just Mace, that would be great  
And some big guy that guards a gate

I am the Hun and lonely  
Just wanna be Brother Mace  
I am the Hun and lonely  
Get this fake hair off my face  
[x2]


	96. Greystaggy (based on Grace Kelly)

_An imaginary scenario: pre-Series 6. An actress with big ideas, who brought two ready-made characters to her first audition but failed, is determined to try again. Perhaps coming up with a third character will clinch it for her. Based on Grace Kelly by Mika._

"I wanna work for you."  
"The last time you auditioned, Miss Kennedy, you reduced me to tears. I promise it won't happen again."

Do I attract you?  
Do I repulse you with my easy smile?  
Am I too ditzy?  
Am I too glitzy?  
Do I like what you like?

I could be wholesome  
I could be loathsome  
Guess I'm a little bit shy  
Why don't you like me?  
Maybe you'll like me after my second try

I tried to be a Greystaggy  
But all her looks were too sad  
So I tried a little Maggie  
I've gone identity mad!

I could be thick  
I could be quick  
I could be a sorceress  
I could be fruitful  
I could be neutral  
I could be maiden in distress  
Gotta be keen  
Gotta be mean  
Gotta be everything more  
You know I'm serious  
Give me three series  
Or I will cry on your floor!

"Being dramatic doesn't solve anything."

When there's a quest on  
I'll give suggestions  
I'll help the dungeoneer think  
I'll show them beauty  
I'll show them duty  
Putting my life on the brink  
I'll be compelling  
Maybe dispelling  
I'd even beat up an elf  
Do I need leverage  
Should I show cleavage just to be put on your shelf?

I tried to be a Greystaggy  
But all her looks were too sad  
So I tried a little Maggie  
I've gone identity mad!

I could be blonde  
I own a wand  
Iona Ke-ennedy  
I could be magic  
I could be tragic  
I'd be on Levels 1 2 3  
Gotta be green  
Gotta bluescreen?  
Gotta be everything more  
No one's immortal  
People need portals  
Why don't I show them the door?

Say what you want to satisfy yourself  
But I can be just what every watching child thinks you should want

I could be grey  
I could be fay  
I could be spiffing with spells  
I could be surly  
I could be girly  
I could be anything that sells  
Give me a part  
When do I start?  
I want to be in the cast  
I think you oughta  
Make me a daughter  
Sidriss - at last!

[Delirious, she runs into a table, bangs her leg and collapses in pain, wishing she'd worn...]

A shiiiin-GUARD!


	97. I Am Ah Wok (based on I Am a Rock)

This one is about the Chinese trader seen in Knightmare Series 6. Based on I Am a Rock by Simon & Garfunkel.

A journey West  
In a deep and dark Descender  
I on my way  
Wolfenden, I coming to your streets and square  
For a freshly filmed sixth series of Knightmare  
I am Ah Wok  
I am from China

I have stall  
Emporium o' many  
I even give it wheels  
I no like Scaramonger, accent is no good  
Mine better and it mean I can be rewd  
I am Ah Wok  
I am on Knightmare

Don't talk of Fear  
Well I've heard the name before  
It keeps me out of Level 3  
I won't disturb the witches, or fight the Samurai

[Just then, Lord Fear appears and shoos Ah Wok away. He takes over the song.]

Right you've done a year and now you'll say bye-bye  
You were Ah Wok  
You were annoying


	98. Jericho 6 (based on Holiday Road)

_This one is about the wall marked Jericho 6 that was first encountered by Team 6 of Series 1 (dungeoneer: Richard), who couldn't advance beyond it. Based on Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham._

Level 3, lotta bricks  
It's a long way down to Jericho 6

Jericho 6  
Jericho 6

Team has brains and team has brawn  
But they can't survive 'cause they left the horn

Jericho 6  
Jericho 6

Can't use spell, key or tricks  
Only one way past this Jericho 6

Jericho 6  
Jericho 6


	99. Brangwen in the Wall

_Here is a parody from the point of view of a Watcher tuning into Series 3 to discover clue room guardians who look less like backsides than the previous series' wall monsters did. Based on Brown Girl in the Ring as sung by Boney M._

Brangwen in the wall  
Tra la la la la  
There's a Brangwen in the wall  
Tra la la la la la  
Brangwen in the wall  
Tra la la la la  
She looks like a face and not a bum  
Bum bum

Wait in her clue room  
Tra la la la la  
Careful she could bring you doom  
Tra la la la la la  
Is she a hoodlum?  
Tra la la la la  
She looks like a face and not a bum  
Bum bum

Olgarth Granitas gone off  
Need a face that works with blues  
Arsehead Igneous gone off  
Need someone to give the clues

I remember on one Friday, right  
She was being a hard-faced cow  
'Cause a team were slow with her riddle  
She said, "Answer" and "Name it now!"

Brangwen Shee  
Now you see

Brangwen in the room  
Tra la la la la  
There's a Brangwen in the room  
Tra la la la la la  
Brangwen in the room  
Tra la la la la  
She looks like a face and not a bum  
Bum bum...


	100. Automatum (from the Gladiators theme)

_This one is about the "mindless mechanical warrior" that stalked dungeoneers in Series 2. Based on the full version of the theme song from 1990s British TV series Gladiators._

Do you fear the power of the Automatum?  
Can you meet the challenge of the catacombs?  
Do you have the makings of a hero?  
Can you run pell-mell for the well?

Do you have the speed, the strength, the ears to hear his whirring  
Setting your heart stirring?  
Or is it your bowel?

Beware the Automatum

Gotta move like a hare on steroids  
Gotta stay ahead of the android  
Gotta seek your Holy Grail  
Ready or not, here he comes with a flail

Can you keep away from the Automatum?  
Do you have three friends to aid you?  
Do you have the smell of perspirin'?  
Can you keep on moving to your goal?

Now it's time to race, you're in a chase, so don't you crack now  
There's no turning back now  
Edmund's on the way  
I mean the Automatum

Gotta move with lightning speed  
Nearby portal's what you need  
Better collect the MEDAL bits  
Oh he stopped you, time to call it quits

Do you fear the power of the Automatum?  
Can you face the menace of the mechanoid?  
Show the stuff you're made of  
Karen, seal the fate of  
The Automatum  
Spellcast RUST at the Automatum  
Then you'll bust up the Automatum  
But you won't be a champion  
The Automatum!


	101. Skel8ron (based on Sk8er Boi)

_My second song parody about the Bimboid subplot in Quest 3 of Series 8 (dungeoneer: Nathan). Based on Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne._

She was just bones, she had no flesh  
Can I make it any more obvious  
She walked alone, she'd cheated death  
But did not smell fresh  
She met Lord Fear  
He had a plan  
Wanted to kill a white-haired man  
So he made her look like someone else  
Just like the dearest of Hordriss's belles

She was a skel8ron  
Two ls and you spell it wrong  
She had no spleen, lip, adenoid  
Thanks to Fear's sorcery  
With spyglass of course you see  
That she turned into the Bimboid

Minutes from now, there's a big cat  
Hope there's a litter tray where he sat  
Waiting around, guess who he sees  
Nathan of Series 8 Team 3  
He gets him to change back into the mage  
Tells him the up-to-date Bimboid goss  
He tags along, stands in the room  
And Nathan and friends save him from doom

He was a dungeoneer  
Down trapdoors he's plungin' here  
Making his way to Level 3  
Was he to Kabul led?  
No, he got to Marblehead  
With friends and his Quiche of Energy  
[x2]

Meanwhile Hordriss left behind  
Sidriss he knew he must find  
Found her outside Bartram's shop  
Is this how the story stops?  
"I'm just window shopping, Dad,  
But there's no windows to be had."  
When he heard that, off he went  
Hoping Brain Pills would be lent

He was a mage, he'd had enough  
Of his daughter being an idiot  
Thought of the scheme used by Lord Fear  
And he borrowed his idea...

It was a miretrog  
Not one for a dialogue  
It was put under Hordriss' spell  
It looks just like Sidriss now  
But higher-IQ-endowed  
Motley is dating it as well  
[x2]


	102. Burning up the Maldame

_By the end of Series 8, the dual personality dragon Bhal-Shebah had been given a new identity, Firestorm of Marblehead, and sent by Lord Fear to attack Queen Maldame's tower, Linghorm. Based on Walking on the Milky Way by OMD._

When we turned up on Lord Fear's porch  
Said, "Gis a job, we snipe and scorch"  
And pretty soon, he said, "Burn down a Howse"  
And as he perished in our flame  
We hoped that we could raise our game  
And set a blaze that ten lakes couldn't douse  
We don't mind cooking dungeoneers  
But we were always keen  
To journey through the Mireworld and set light to a queen

Oh man you should have seen us  
All our scales and meanness  
Burning up the Maldame  
She has had her day, hey hey, hey hey-ey  
Flew across the Mire  
Did our thing with fire  
Sent her on her smoky way  
La Reine Brûlée, hey hey, hey hey-ey

As time went by things did look up  
Fear said that we could guard the Cup  
But no one came to take it anyway  
We missed our fireball attacks  
We are born pyromaniacs  
We like to raze our game, to torch our prey  
We don't know if we're Bhal-Shebah  
Or if we're Firestorm  
But Lord Fear, oh he made our day when he said, "Burn Linghorm"

Oh man you should have seen us  
Keenest of the keen, yes  
Burning up the Maldame  
She has had her day, hey hey, hey hey-ey  
Just like oil and match ah  
On a roof of thatch-er  
Sent her on her smoky way  
La Femme Flambée, hey hey, hey hey-ey...

Burning up the Maldame

Oh man you should have seen us  
Just a brain between us  
Burning up the Maldame  
She has had her day, hey hey, hey hey-ey  
Soared across the Mire  
Couldn't wait to fry her  
Sent her on her smoky way  
La Reine Brûlée, hey hey, hey hey-ey


	103. Don't Stop Receivin'

_A plea to Treguard to continue receiving teams, based on Don't Stop Believin' by Journey._

Just a small brown bag, slung across a teenage back  
Of someone on Knightmare as a dungeoneer  
Just a small grey shield, there because the Helm won't yield  
To someone on Knightmare as a dungeoneer

Advisors in a stony room  
That's come so far since Dungeon Doom  
For a while they can dare the site  
It has might and blight and plight and bite

Strangers enter, waiting in the antechamber  
Will they know left from their right?  
Frightknights, pookas, lurking in a world of danger  
Watchers, hoping for a knight

Watching what I loved and feared  
Treguard made me want a beard  
May he keep on having teams to quest  
Forevermore  
Some will win, some will lose  
None of them wears any blues  
Let the Knightmare never end  
But go on and on and on and on

Strangers enter, waiting in the antechamb-er  
Will they know left from their right?  
Opposition down there in a world of danger  
Watchers, hoping for a knight

Don't stop receivin'  
Bring another team in  
Knightmare, Treguard

Don't stop the questin'  
Game on  
Dungeon, Knightmare

Don't stop receivin'  
Bring another team in  
Knightmare, Treguard


	104. Mireman (based on Mirror Man)

_A negative response to one of Series 8's innovations. Based on Mirror Man by The Human League._

Oo-oo-oo-ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh  
Naa-sty  
x2

Oo-oo-oo-ooh, oo-oo-oo-ooh

A man reclines  
A rebel smile across his face  
As he decides  
To introduce a new race  
Left behind  
The foes we knew, insidious  
And we will find  
Another guard, amphibious

Knightmare will change  
It may be great, maybe dire  
Part man part fish?!  
Why'd goblins have to retire?

Here comes the Mireman  
To steal your Life Force Flan  
Here comes the Mireman

He doesn't talk  
Not like the Hun, Dreadnort or Crow  
Just holds a big fork  
While he waddles to and fro  
Daniel got past  
Nathan and Michael did as well  
They got Rebecca though  
In spite of being slow as hell

Knightmare will change  
It may be great, maybe dire  
Part man part fish?!  
Why'd goblins have to retire?

Here comes the Mireman  
He should come in a can  
Here comes the Mireman  
Aa-aah

Here comes the Mireman  
More slowly than a gran  
Can't beat him with a span-  
ner-er...


	105. Elf Shee (based on Elstree)

_An imaginary scenario. Bryan McNerney, a.k.a. The History Man, bumps into Natasha Pope. He soon recognises her: she acted alongside him in Knightmare Series 3, playing Velda the elf and the Brangwen Shee, while he played Grimwold the ogre. But can her get her to recognise him? Based on Elstree by the Buggles._

Doing some shopping at Asda  
I saw a woman, Natasha  
I smiled, our faces older from the decades  
Who did she play? No, it wasn't the maid  
Ah yes now: Brangwen and Velda  
She gave me a puzzled look as I beheld her

Elf Shee, remember me  
We worked together on ITV  
I played Grimwold in Series 3  
Elf Shee, I look at me  
Did some work for the BBC  
This won't scan: Bryan McNerney

I took a dive in the fight scene  
With you and Simon on the bluescreen  
You used your blade on me and then that was that  
I cried 'cause you called me a tower of fat

Elf Shee, remember me  
We growled and wailed on CITV  
But I'm a Man of History  
Elf Shee, I look at me  
Did quite well on the BBC  
This won't scan: Bryan McNerney

Elf Shee

They made a well into a war zone  
Dungeoneer Kelly had no crayon  
I roared, holding my club over her head  
There's no reality and no one dead and...

Elf Shee, remember me  
We did the best show on kids' TV  
Although Tim did not credit me  
Elf Shee  
Elf Shee  
Elf Shee  
Elf Shee  
Elf Shee


	106. Strife in a Northern Keep

_This one is about Knightmare Series 7. Based on Life in a Northern Town by Dream Academy._

O, Ed Welch's theme music played  
And old Treguard lacked elven aid  
Because Pickle, he'd gone away  
No fae

And from an open bottle came  
Worse than Gretel in a younger day  
Pushing the fans away

(KM, ma-ma-ma...)  
(KM, ma-ma-ma, KM)  
Strife in a northern keep

She rapped on the stony ground  
When he took the Staff of Light out  
And 28 kids came down  
To challenge

He said  
"In Winter 1993  
May questing bring Watchers glee  
Iona Kennedy  
But not Fidjit"

(KM, ma-ma-ma...)  
(KM, ma-ma-ma, KM)  
Strife in a northern keep  
(KM, ma-ma-ma...)  
(KM, ma-ma-ma, KM)  
Dungeons not quite so deep

The first six came and fled  
Watch the water hit Barry's head  
As we followed him down  
Through the sewers

And though he never was due to win  
You could hear it written in his grin  
And the troll fell out of sight  
My my

(KM, ma-ma-ma...)  
(KM, ma-ma-ma, KM)  
Life in a northern keep

One year before its sleep...


	107. Perfect Quest (based on Perfect Day)

_This one is about the events of various winning (and therefore perfect?) quests. It is my second parody based on Perfect Day by Lou Reed._

Just a perfect quest  
Drank poison-turned-opposite  
And then there was a Merlin bit  
He cast HOME  
Just a perfect quest  
Fooled Gumboil on Level 2  
Then later, duped Olaf too  
With no stone

Oh it's such a perfect quest  
Dungeon defeated by you  
Oh such a perfect quest  
You kept dungeoneering on  
You passed ghoul, troll, skeletron

Just a perfect quest  
Crazy hats on a ship  
Lord Fear sent for a dip  
It's much fun

Just a perfect quest  
Sphinx bone via cavern elf  
For magic from someone else  
Some old dog

Oh it's such a perfect quest  
Thirty-two, you made it through  
Oh such a perfect quest  
You kept dungeoneering on  
And from Barry, sunlight shone

You're going deep, questing below

Victory's not cheap, that you will show

You are no sheep, onwards you go

Your fame will keep, that much I know


	108. Magic (based on Milkshake)

_Did you know that Merlin gave spells only to male dungeoneers during Knightmare Series 3? Here he sings about it - briefly. Based on Milkshake by Kelis._

My magic brings all the boys to the throne  
And they're like  
It betters Life Force  
Darn right it betters Life Force  
I got VIM or  
ENERGY or ERG

_...I have resisited the urge to finish this one._


	109. Somethin' Spiteful

_Based on Somethin' Stupid, originally recorded by Carson and Gaile._

[Team to Treguard:]  
We know we stand in wait until you think it is our fate  
To come on Knightmare with you  
And when we go below to quest, we know that it's a test  
And will be quite scary too  
And even if we drop into a dire little hole we would take pride you see  
Until you go and spoil it all by saying somethin' spiteful like "Ooh nasty"

We can see it in your beard  
How much you feared that we'd be weird  
-er than the team before  
And even with the Helmet on  
We've still not gone as headgear-mad as Nemanor

[Treguard replies:]  
I practise every day to find some clever lines to say  
That won't sound callous or snide  
But how poetic can I really be when I'm confronted with such infanticide?  
Your time is up, you're done, you're killed, you're dead, and I'm not fed up of informing thee  
So then I go and seal your fate by saying somethin' spiteful like "Ooh nasty"...


	110. Eerie (based on Kyrie)

_This one is about the encounter between Alan (Dungeoneer 3 of Series 6) and "Harris" (Lord Fear impersonating a disguised Hordriss). Based on Kyrie by Mister Mister._

It wasn't hard to beat Sylvester Hands  
Nor to dispel the Samurai  
My three advisors are the best of bands  
From blocker to Medusa eye

I had a scroll, it held my melodies  
And I met thingy, whatshername  
But of my many dungeoneering deeds  
In one I found The Weirder Game

Eerie liaison on the road that I must travel  
Eerie liaison, first name's Mark and surname's Knight  
Eerie liaison, Lord Fear as Hordriss as Harris  
Eerie liaison with no Genoese delight

We were but young but we were growing bold  
And though this old man seemed unknown  
It doesn't matter just who took our gold  
Because I didn't turn to stone

Eerie liaison on the rocky second level  
Eerie liaison, first name's Mark and surname's Knight  
Eerie liaison but oh we'll always have Harris  
Eerie liaison: box of Heggatty's delight


	111. Can't Fight This Peeling

_The Life Force clock degrades relentlessly. Based on Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon._

I can't fight this peeling any longer  
The epidermis frayed, the bone on show  
What started out as peckish has grown stronger  
I need a fish or cheese or else my team'll go  
I tell myself that I can complete the level  
I say, "the clock might slow down or delay"  
The Dungeon I implore for just a lentil  
To stop my malnutrition, so the eyes don't roll away

And even as I wander, I'm keeping up the sprite  
Got a handle on my Life Force and I try to grab a bite  
But now I'm so hungry that soon it'll be "good night"

And I can't fight this peeling anymore  
And I bet that face is looking very sore  
I know just what the Life Force has in store:  
A dislocated jaw  
Forever  
'Cause I can't fight this peeling anymore  
All I need's a raisin or an apple core  
I'd even eat a crust straight off the floor  
A rice grain I'd adore  
Or else I can't fight this peeling anymore

My life has been such a challenge since I got here  
With a Viking hat encircling my head  
And it always seems that you're wallowing, Hugo  
At the flaking of the faces  
To the bone, into the red

And even as I wander, I'm keeping up the sprite  
Got a handle on my Life Force and I try to grab a bite  
But now I'm so hungry that soon it'll be "good night"...


	112. Series 1 to 8 (based on Allentown)

_Based on Allentown by Billy Joel._

Well we're sitting here with Series 1  
And a show called Knightmare has just begun  
Mary Whitehouse says they're killing kids  
If you can't watch, use your eyelids  
Some see Merlin as a fecund old bore  
His poor recall an accursed flaw  
And the Dungeon starts as CSO  
Vastly advanced by David Rowe  
And we're living here with Series 2

But the best of quests would yet come through  
And the episodes would change their day

Well we're sitting watching Series 3  
With anticipation, terror and glee  
All the dungeoneers that Treguard met  
Martin got charred, having got wet  
Then the Weeping Doors took over from walls  
But they never really touched us at all  
No they never taught us what was real  
Eyeshield's a prop, brandy won't heal  
And we're waiting here for Series 5

With new characters they keep it alive  
And the viewer would be mad to stray

Every child had a pretty good shot  
To get at least as far as Akash had got  
But something happened to the series post-6  
It wasn't broken but they still tried to fix

Well I'm watching Series 7 to 8  
And I've seen some giant cats of late  
And I hope they get a litter tray

And I bet they're very hard to spay  
And we're watching Series 1 to 8


	113. I, Treguard Dunshelm

_Based on I, Don Quixote from the musical Man of La Mancha._

Hear me now, oh thou bleak and most challenging realm  
Thou art based on a blue screen none see  
Time is right for advent'rers with knapsack and Helm  
And thirsting to be on TV

I am I, Treguard Dunshelm  
Lord of Knightmare Castle  
My quest any fool cannot do  
So don't die dungeoneering  
Through tunnel and clearing  
Or I'll say "Ooh nasty" on cue  
I'll say "Ooh nasty" on cue  
Could get quite gory for you

I'm Pickle, yes I'm Pickle  
I'll follow my master like a fan  
I'll tell all the realm proudly  
His beard's real but - not his tan

Hear, behemoths and wizards and servants of fear  
For your dastardly doings will pass  
Thanks to blindfolded children I'll send forth from here  
While I stay behind on my.. throne

I am I, Treguard Dunshelm  
Lord of Knightmare Castle  
My quest any fool cannot do  
So don't die dungeoneering  
Through tunnel and clearing  
Or I'll say "Ooh nasty" on cue  
I'll say "Ooh nasty" on cue  
Could get quite gory for you


	114. Series 2 (Anthony's Wrong)

_Based on Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) by Billy Joel._

Anthony walks on the chromakey floor  
Listening out for the laughter  
Stuart is lonely seeing door upon door  
And he can't end happy ever after  
Ah you won't get too far if you have no ice pack-ack-ack-ack-ak-Akash  
You oughta know by now  
Jamie got well from a little sack  
They called it Small Change, it was funny  
And it's standing the test of time  
It's old but it feels so new  
Knightmare: it's from '88, it is  
Series 2

Cedric the jeery would question a few  
To Claire he was not a help lender  
When Tony met a catacombite down on ole Level 2  
He got by then had to surrender  
Yeah it was fatal dark and heavy in with Mogdred-ed-ed-ed-ed-ed-dead  
You oughta know by now  
And Steven was stopped on an open bridge  
Where he used the password 'defender'  
And it's standing the test of time  
It's old but it feels so new  
Knightmare: it's from '88, it is  
Series 2

Neil did not score highly in the quizzing mi-mi-mi-mi-mine-dless  
You oughta know by now  
If a maid was the quest, or a talisman  
Then Treguard was a happy bunny  
So if TV you want to find  
Yeah with winners and losers true  
Make Knightmare the show and watch  
Series 2

Watch Series 2...


	115. Faerietale of Dunshelm

_In 1989, Merlin gave Treguard an elf for Christmas. By Christmas 1992, the novelty had worn off. Based on Fairytale of New York by The Pogues (featuring Kirsty MacColl)._

[Treguard:]  
It was Christmas Eve, elf  
In the Dungeon  
An old man said to me, "won't be alone for this one"  
And then he rang a bell  
And cast a calling spell  
I saw a flash of light  
And you were here, sprite

Ever since Series One  
It's just been me, just one  
I've got a feeling  
Next year's for me and you  
So happy questing  
I like you, Pickle  
I can see a better time  
When all our teams come through

[Pickle:]  
In the Forest of Dunn  
I had berries and fun  
But the howls go right through you  
It's no place for a fae  
When you first took me in  
On a cold Christmas Eve  
You promised adventure was coming each day  
You were hearty

[Treguard:]  
You were witty  
Grasped the nitty-gritty  
When Welshmen went tumbling  
I saw your delight  
Gundrada was slashing  
And the monk he was smashing  
But they'd not have felt like  
Assistants so right

[Both:]  
The boys of the HOGG choir  
Were singing down the mine  
And the bells were ringing out  
For questing time

[P:] You're an oaf  
You're a git  
[T:] You're dressed up like a twit  
Sitting there on the floor. A repetitive bore  
[P:] You windbag, you're knackered  
You bloated old blackguard  
Now that Red Death is dead  
Have a genie instead

[Both:]  
The boys of the HOGG choir  
Still singing down the mine  
And the bells were ringing out  
For questing time

[T:] I was fine on my own  
[P:] You were too dull alone  
You took my dreams from me  
When I first found you  
[T:] I kept them with me, elf  
I lived not for myself  
It won't be for the best  
If you're back in the forest

[Both:]  
The boys of the HOGG choir  
Still singing down the mine  
And the bells were ringing out  
For questing time


	116. Wight, Boy (based on Wide Boy)

_This one is about the events of three separate quests. Based on Wide Boy by Nik Kershaw._

[1987]

His name is Richard  
He isn't aimless  
No he made Level Three  
'Tis rife with bones, and looks parky  
He's through, he's got clues  
But does he know what is after him?

It's got his scent, it won't take money  
'Cause it's hell-bent on having cavernwight success  
It seeks by scent, it seeks by scent

It's a big deal, it is a wight, boy  
Could be its meal 'cause it's a bored and hairy guy  
So flee or die  
So flee or die

[1989]

His name is Leo  
He made the chamber with the big smelly cart  
He needs somebody to push it  
So jester meets quest-  
-er: does he know any decent jokes?

He makes a mess of his bad money  
You get the sense that Motley's not all that impressed  
But nonetheless, at his behest...

On four big wheels you got a ride, boy  
Hold in your meals 'cause it's no ordinary ride  
Right down the track  
No turning back

[1994]

With their crematory breath and their scaly scarlet maw  
They're here to tell you that you won't be eaten raw  
You just got fried, boy  
Fried, boy


	117. Dungeoneer (based on Rocket Man)

_Based on Rocket Man by Elton John._

I wore my knapsack right  
Quite tight  
Zero hour: twenty to five  
Will I meet with a caaat-acombite and thrive?  
I miss my family, I miss my dog  
It's lonely in this hat  
Here comes the time out bell

And I hope it's going to be a longish time  
'Til Treguard sends me home again to find  
I'm not the kid they thought I was at school  
Oh now I'm cool  
'Cause I'm a dungeoneer  
Dungeoneer  
Got no proper loos, can't find a phone  
[x 2]

Winteria's no place to send a kid  
In fact it's cold as hell  
But you get a cloak to have on if you're there  
And chromakey I don't understand  
It's just my world one day a week  
Dungeoneer  
Dungeoneer


	118. Always Look upon Mogdred and Quail

_Based on Always Look on the Bright Side of Life from the film Monty Python's Life of Brian._

Some Knightmare teams are bold  
They don't seem to feel the cold  
Other teams are tentative and shy  
But when they're dungeoneering  
There's one they should all be fearing  
Because he makes you think you're going to die... so...

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
Whether questing for sword or shield or the Grail

You may be Mark or Helen  
You're going down a well an'  
Somebody nasty's waiting down below  
He wants to see you stumble  
Expects you to be humble  
So proper palpitations you must show, and

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
While you're trying to dispel SHROUD on a vale

If you need to have a wee, go  
While Merlin's alter ego  
Takes all your hopes and grinds them in to dust  
Don't be circumspect  
Show him some respect  
Let him know you're terrified: you must, and

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
As he tells you you're in his personal jail

Mogdred didn't last  
They had a change of cast  
But still his laughter echoes down the years  
You're only safe in bed  
'Til he pops in your head  
So good at being bad: embrace your fears, and...

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
If you're falling then please remember to flail

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
Helps you keep perspective when you're impaled

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
He's the Wicked Witch, you're Dorothy Gale

Always look upon Mogdred and quail  
For cavernwights his evil laughs are in braille, and

Always look upon Mogdred and quail!


	119. The Ole Level Called One

_What a Series 4 cynic might sing. Based on That Ole Devil Called Love, originally sung by Billie Holiday._

It's that ole level called One again  
Gets new ideas then keeps doing what's been done again  
Get a shield with an eye  
The elf says it sees  
And trots out his part

It's that dry old Forest of Dunn again  
First it's Oakley then before long it's the hun again  
But I still have that hope  
Still want to cope  
Knightmare still in my heart

They say that Series 4 needed more not to bore  
So Hordriss, what a potion he did brew  
Dickon carried it around on his quest for the Crown  
Turned Mace into a lizard  
But that was on Level Two

Might as well give up that fight again  
I know darn well Knightmare's going to go right again  
When I see that sorry door  
I will just have to endure  
On that ole level called one


	120. Treg' of Thought (from Train of Thought)

_Imagining a day in the life of Hugo Myatt while playing Treguard. Based on Train of Thought by A-Ha._

He likes to have some coffee and a pipe to light  
Soon the kids, they're in charge  
Forwards onwards left and right  
He puts a pile of logs into the fireplace  
Disappears into his costume  
It's another working day

And his halls are full of dangers  
Corridors of blades and spears  
And the tensions are not easing  
Here more lurks than first appears  
Oh, Treguard's face they carry with them

He does a lot of reading in the makeup chair  
All those scenarios he must learn while they do his hair  
On set an elf awaits him, dressed like a legume  
Thinking, out there is a blue screen  
But there never was a room

And his words are "Enter, stranger"  
And their eyes too bright to see  
That nothing Hugo knows of  
And nowhere Hugo's been  
Was ever quite like this

And his halls are full of dangers  
Corridors of blades and spears  
And the tensions are not easing  
Here more lurks than first appears  
Oh, Treguard's face they carry with them

And at heart he's full of Knightmare  
Lodging on his Treguard thoughts  
Treguard thoughts  
Lodging on his Treguard thoughts


	121. Snapper-Jack (based on Captain Jack)

_This one is about the fool-taker from Knightmare Series 8. Based on Captain Jack by Billy Joel._

Friday PM and you're still off on a quest  
You've gone down a trapdoor at your friends' behest  
You'd like to find a little place you can rest  
For a while  
So you go down a level in your shirt of cloth  
Catch a whiff of the sewage that inhabits Goth  
And then a fool-taker comes, full of wrath  
Sounding vile

Snapper-Jack will take you down tonight  
And take you to his special mire  
Snapper-Jack will make you drown tonight  
Or inflict on you a fate most dire  
Oh yeah yeah

Your knapsack it's fine, for you it ate  
It doesn't even need to masticate  
Your wand is gonna ping soon, yes it's Series 8  
And you fall  
So you stand by the cesspool in your new English clothes  
And a man arrives that it seems everybody loathes  
And still Majida's gonna say her oaths  
After all

Snapper-Jack will take you down tonight  
And take you to his special mire  
Snapper-Jack will make you drown tonight  
Loves to slay the fool, even the trier  
Oh yeah yeah

So you decide to take a little stroll  
Your father's stifling and he thinks his hair is droll  
Ah, he can be stubborner than a troll  
And what for?  
You go into Goth, and watch the stool  
Lapping at the side like oceans of green jewels  
Then a man comes looking for the dimmest fool  
Will he score?

And Snapper-Jack could take you down tonight  
And take you to his special mire  
Snapper-Jack will make you drown tonight  
Then you'll have a hard time getting drier  
Oh yeah yeah

So your three advisors tend to scream a lot  
And you meet old Snapper-Jack who naps you not  
Oh but soon you're dying for the booze you haven't got  
It went wrong

And if you can't understand what Stiletta had said  
And how you got from Level One to Marblehead  
Well you're nearly twelve and there's a man who wants you dead  
His net is strong

And Snapper-Jack could take you down tonight  
And take you to his special mire  
Snapper-Jack would make you drown tonight  
If he can't catch Dunstan, he'll retire


	122. Fleeing Flooring (based on Being Boring)

_This one is a reworking of Being Boring by the Pet Shop Boys._

I came across Akash's old photo  
And information on teenage quartets  
Cavernwights would cause consternation  
For Hugo Myatt, a Dungeon Master  
In the Knightmare Dungeon

When you're young you find inspiration  
In anyone who's ever gone  
And opened up a crying door  
We watched and were never feeling bored

'Cause they were always fleeing flooring  
They had little time to know right from left  
And they were always fleeing flooring  
They dressed up in helms, then took on the quest  
And they were never turning back, just worried that  
Time would come to an end

When they went, in front of the nation  
with a knapsack and some trepidation  
I would say, "If you're not careful  
You'll have nothing left to pass the first level"  
In the 1980s

But I sat back, and they walked forward  
The tape was in, I'd pressed record  
They faltered through a corridor  
And I would often find myself feeling awed

'Cause they were always fleeing flooring  
They had little time to know right from left  
And they were always fleeing flooring  
They dressed up in helms, then took on the quest  
And they were never turning back, just worried that  
Time would come to an end  
They were always hoping that, looking back  
You could always rely on a friend

Now I sit with older faces  
With internet and shoes with laces  
All the teams that I was viewing  
Wonder how they've all been doing  
Since the 1990s

I never dreamt that I would get to know  
so many that did not forget the show  
But I knew, in spite of dreams  
You'd be sitting somewhere watching teams

'Cause they were always fleeing flooring  
They had little time to know right from left  
And they were always fleeing flooring  
They dressed up in helms, then took on the quest  
And they were never turning back, just worried that  
Time would come to an end  
They were always hoping that, looking back  
you could always rely on a friend

And they were always fleeing flooring  
Maybe they would end up gored  
And they were always fleeing flooring  
Maybe they would gain reward


	123. A Bloke Called Hands (from Broken Land)

_This one is a reworking of Broken Land by The Adventures._

Through Level One he'd creep  
With schemes for quests and teams that lay ahead  
His mind would roll and leap  
His IQ lower than a loaf of bread

Where did he get those ugly rags?  
And does he get rope burn?  
Although his warts were charmed by hags  
His grime is wide-ranging

Show me some grub for knapsack of leather  
Help me find a password to clear the way  
Come to me, foe who thinks he's clever  
Yes there he stands:  
I see a bloke called Hands

This guy was born to fail  
That's why Romanha trapped seems so absurd  
His mishaps make fine tales  
About Barry, Matt and others you have heard

These are the games we watched at school  
Us fans raised on Knightmare  
And though Sylvester was a fool  
His crimes were amazing...


	124. Everybody Wants to Win the Quest

_A reworking of Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears._

Welcome to the game  
There's no turning back  
Millions know our names  
Will they see us  
Venture forth and be successful  
Or lose heart when it gets stressful?  
Everybody wants to win the quest

David Rowe's designs  
Feed our own Life Force  
So far, cause for pride  
Hope we'll make the  
Most of what we find in clue rooms  
'Gainst old fears and casts of new gloom  
Everybody wants to win the quest

There's no room where the plight won't find you  
Blow the horn and the walls come tumbling down  
When you do we'll be right behind you  
So glad we've almost made it  
So hope we're not ill-fated  
Everybody wants to win the quest

We must move past indecision  
Carried by a lack of vision  
Everybody wants to win the quest  
Say that we'll never never never never lose it  
That left door: should we choose it?  
Everybody wants to win the quest


	125. Lamp You Left Behind -Candle in the Wind

_A tribute to David "Jock" Campbell, Knightmare's first dungeoneer. Based on Elton John's Candle in the Wind._

Goodbye, David C  
Though I never knew you at all  
You were the first to wear the Helm  
To walk the hallowed halls  
You brought your friends from Cranfield  
They gave guidance into your brain  
You went into the Dungeon  
And you stayed to play the game

And it seems to me you lost your quest  
By the lamp you left behind  
Never knowing what to hold up  
When the dark set in  
And I would have liked to have known you  
But I was just a kid  
The Campbell burned out long before  
Your legend ever did

OPEN first was tough  
The portcullis took time to raise  
Granitas you gave two right answers to  
And short was the trail you blazed  
Even when you died  
Oh you lived on in our time  
David, James and Lucian  
Walked away with you as Treguard said bye

And it seems to me you lost your quest  
By the lamp you left behind  
Never knowing what to hold up  
When the dark set in  
And I would have liked to have known you  
But I was just a kid  
The Campbell burned out long before  
Your legend ever did

Goodbye, David C  
Though I never knew you at all  
You were the first to tread the path  
That Monday afternoon  
Goodbye, David C  
From the young fan with same first name as you  
Who thanks you for being first on Knightmare  
More than just another TV show

And it seems to me you lost your quest  
By the lamp you left behind  
Never knowing what to hold up  
When the dark set in  
And I would have liked to have known you  
But I was just a kid  
The Campbell burned out long before  
Your legend ever did


	126. Take One Thing (based on Take on Me)

_This one is about Knightmare's second quest, and is a reworking of Take on Me by A-Ha._

Maeve McEvoy  
Her guides: a girl and two boys  
The Helmet's not a toy  
It's what you wear on your head to blind you  
Quest underway  
But it won't last very long if they

Take one thing  
Take just one  
They'll be gone  
In a room or two

So, into a bind  
But they can spell  
Sesame. Soon they will find  
"Slowly" won't do when chambers are mined  
Say after me  
"Don't forget that we'll be safe unless we

Take one thing  
Take just one  
We'll be gone  
In Episode Two"

Oh the team didn't last  
Although they got all three riddles from Granitas  
They then met Lillith that cold September  
Bad is her hair day  
And a bad one for them, because they

Took the soap  
Left the comb  
They went home  
In a day


End file.
